Real women...

Real women have curves....
Real women are straight as a board...
Real women are fit...
Real women are fat...
Real women are fluffy...
Real women are short...
Real women are tall...
Real women are big....
Real women are small....
Real women have big boobs....
Real women have A cups.....
Real women are tan...
Real women are pale....
Real women are blond...
Real women are brunette...
Real women are red headed....
Real women are young....
Real women are old...
Real women are insecure....
Real women are confident...
Real women are sexual....
Real women are prudes....
Real women wear dresses...
Real women wear jeans....
Real women wear sweats....
Real women are mothers....
Real women are childless.....
Real women are wives....
Real women are single....
Real women are perfect....
Real women are imperfect....
Real women are gorgeous....
Real women are pretty....
Real women are everywhere....

All women are REAL.  No one should be shamed about their bodies.... fat or thin, tall or short.  It is so tiresome living in a world that only sees one kind of woman as beautiful.  They are in their rights beautiful.... BUT SO IS EVERY WOMAN.
I am trying hard in my life to HEALTHY.  I don't want to lose weight to be skinny... because this body isn't made for skinny.  But it is my body.  And i will not let someone make me thing I am WRONG.  God made me the way I am.  As long as I am happy and healthy that is all that should matter... and that goes FOR EVERYONE.

Getting back on the horse.... so to speak

I did a short work out yesterday after work.  Wish I could have done longer but the day had been so hectic at work that I was already exhausted before I got on the treadmill.  But I did a fast pace walk/jog warm up and cool down type of thing for 20 minutes.  I just keep telling myself it is better than nothing.  I have got to get back in the swing of things and lose this weight, yall.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it hits me out of no where...
this empty feeling in my gut.
today has been one of those days.
and I feel like a nut.

A simple question from a stranger
it put me on the edge.
Can't blame her well meaning banter
but the feelings it did dredge.

A picture of a happy mom
or a new born baby
has me soul aching, screaming
was it something I did, maybe?

I know sometimes its not meant to be.
And someone has to have this pain.
And I'd like to say I can be the person
that's strong enough to handle this bane.

But I don't feel strong.
I feel very weak.
I don't even know if I want to try anymore.
For comfort, I should not seek.

There is nothing in this world
that I would hold more dear.
But now I hold nothing more
than sadness... and fear.

not moving.....

I am so lethargic lately.
I need to move again.
It has been months since I have been dancing.  I just haven't had the Money to start back up.  And it sucks.
This week I am planning on working out at the gym at work and starting to get back in the game that way for awhile.  I am stagnant.  Not gaining... but certainly not losing any weight and that is no good.
I am going to try and go on birth control again.  My health is important to me and I am just not feeling healthy off of them.  I used to feel better when I was on them because my hormones are crazy imbalanced and I think they helped. So that is it for my quick update... follow my nerd blog http://mandaisgeekingout.blogspot.com/.

see ya.

An update... Moved to post about my Ink.

Facebook post:  I saw this as I was scrolling and stopped to look at it.... then I started thinking... I have tattoos but I don't think they are wrong so i wanted to do some research... I came across this article.http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/tattoochristian.htm and I think it makes sense. I didn't get mine in a pagan ritual. I didn't get them to celebrate another (little g)god. Mine celebrate me... what God has made me. and my family and what God blessed me with in them. My ink represents my happiness, my struggles, and other aspects of a life I living with God as my 1 and only. No one else has to agree... I just wanted to get that out there.

I wanted to go further in detail but not bore those who are scrolling down the land of FB.  

I have several tattoos.  6 to be exact. I have never sat down and explained them all to anyone because I know what they mean to me but I am in the mood to reveal just what they mean to me... what I want in my future and why... that kind of thing.

1.  On my front right shoulder... I have this.... 

(pre weight loss pic)

It ended with the heart made by the bass and treble clefs filled in with some red.... but this represents my love for music. Music is a great part of my life.  I sang in a Choir through out college.  I was in chorus in high school and below.  My mom sang when I was young while she was cleaning... hymns, radio songs, whatever...and she didn't care if you thought she could carry a tune in a bucket or not because she liked to sing.  She is the reason I love music so much.  And music has played a large part in my Christian life.  The feelings I get when I am singing praise means more to me personally than a long sermon and can hold more power than just a spoken story... to me... and that is not true for everyone... but music moves me.

2.  Clover on my wrist: 4 leaf variety.  This is the American version of an Irish tradition.  Shamrocks are 3-leafed and stand for the trinity.  I am the American version of my Irish heritage.  But this also reminds me of my BFF as she has the same one and we got them together.  The Lord has blessed me with a GREAT Friend who I would do anything in the world for and she would for me too.  And I get to be Aunty to her amazing kids.  

3.  My Cherries on my foot.

Cherries are a symbol of fertility and the PCOS awareness ribbon is teal.  I pray to God everyday that we are able to be parents one day but this is a symbol for me of our struggle with a disease that prevents something we really want in life.  If God sees fit to make us a mom and dad one day, and I get frustrated at my kid I will be able to see this and think... remember how blessed you are to be a mom.  And maybe it will help calm me down.  

4. Fiorghra is the Irish word for TRUE LOVE is on my right forearm.  This to me means many things.  People often assume it is because I am in love and married.  And it is partially about that.  Because I have found my true love in the world where many times that can seem impossible.  I have found the guy God made for me. But to me real True love is the kind you have with God.  and that is a constant reminder that no matter how down I feel... I have true love in my life. 

5. My Sparrow on my inner right ankle- birds represent overcoming struggle or moving on. I feel like God is my Sparrow, the one I can count on to help me overcome the obstacles in my life or the one who can uplift me when I am at my lowest. 

6.  The Harry Potter quoted on my left shoulder blade.  This is for my daddy.  he is in Heaven now but I keep him close to me and he is in my heart always.  God had blessed me with the best daddy in the world.  And the best mom... I am truly a blessed lady.  

My Ink is my life... its a reminder of me being as blessed as I am.  So even if I am wrong... even if no one agrees with me... i don't think God is going to keep me from heaven because I have tattoos..... because they are not for hateful reasons, or pagan reasons.... That is just how I feel. 

Life in Slo Mo: Dealing with the FEELS

I am stuck in this place that I am not happy about.  I have had so much happen over the past year that I am just not able to process it all.  A year ago life began to move on this path that I would have never thought would happen.
It all started with the miscarriage.  If I were to count the past year johnny and I have been trying to conceive for about 6  years. It wasn't something I really made known to the world until about 2 years in when I really began to worry.  We hadn't even had any "Woopsies"  which is what I call when you think you're pregnant and it isn't in your plan.  So really my slow and steady fall into this insanity might have started then... but ramped up with the past year.
When you are TTC and you are charting BBT and watching closely to see when you produce mucus.  ( this all becomes part of everyday life of infertility... you begin to not GRIMACE at the word Mucus.) You also learn TTC and BBT and BFP and BFN and TWW are all common lingo.  I have apps on my phone that track my cycle and EVERYTHING.
Well, when this has become the everyday and you get a miracle like finding out you are actually pregnant... it is the BEST feeling in the world.  I was stressed because I was out of work and worried about affording a crib and stuff, But I knew we would find a way to make it work because God was finally blessing us with a bundle of joy and I couldn't quit smiling.
For three months I kept that smile.  Every Ultrasound (which you get a lot when you have PCOS apparently) was just a glimpse into this amazing life you are creating and it kept building my hopes.
Mom went with me to one that Johnny had to work during and it was the 3 month one.  And that is when I found out that the baby was no more.  I actually started bleeding just before my appointment while waiting to be called back.  That was the worst.
To this day, I don't know if it would be less painful never to have been given the hope at all... just never even had that three month period in my life where I thought I might actually achieve my lifelong dream to become a mother.
Well, nothing I can do about that now.......

Then dealing with the death of my father.  I just don't know.... I still feel like he's just gone on vacation or something and one day I will wake up and he will be home.   I miss him every day.  And I hate hate hate hate hate hate seeing my mom so sad.  That was so awful..... just being diagnosed then gone in a matter of days.  DAYS.  not weeks not months not years... DAYS.
I had closure.... I got to be there with him as he left us.  I got to hold his hand and say goodbye.  And I am thankful for that.  A lot of people do not get that chance... but it still rips my heart out.

Life just is never what you think it is going to be.  I thought being married to Johnny was never going to be this hard.  We are dealing with some stuff.... only out of respect for him since this blog is about me... I will not put up details... people close to me know more about what is going on.  I love him, he loves me... and we just need time and help to work out all the other stuff.

All of this on top of Johnny being in and out of work (which is not his fault its this stupid economy.  He hasn't ever been FIRED.  Always laid off due to lack of work, etc)  its just a lot for one person to take.  Car troubles, hospital visits, and general life stress don't help.

I just don't know what to do anymore... but I do know that I am going to go see someone.  I am going to get help.  I have decided that maybe I am just too human to handle this alone.  I am not a superhero and I cannot make this journey I am on alone anymore.  I want to just crawl under a rock and give up and that is not healthy.  I have to do something to get over these humps once and for all.. If that makes me weak, then I guess I am.  I just cannot do this like this anymore.  I need help. and I am going to get some.

Burning Thighs...

my legs are just now returning to normalness today.  They are still sore but at least I can lift them to walk on stairs... its insane how sore they got. I could barely move.  With me, Insanity is mixing with my already in progress activities... so tonight is no insanity and I will be doing ZUMBA and hours of Follies practice.  And let me tell you... Zumba kicks my butt like insanity but I can't just break when I want cause there are people there with me... HA!

I think I might do this.  I need to make sure I do it the best of my abilities, and right now that isn't as good as I would like.  I am really getting winded and sore... but I guess if I wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it right :)... that is all for this update... more later.

Day 2 was killer....

I know I said I wasn't going to post everyday because it would be boring... but you don't have to read it if it gets boring.... i will understand.  LOL... and I am keeping this kind of as my journal too... :)~

Day two almost killed me.  I didn't finish it.  It was a LOT of jumping and it hurt my knees to do it.  I might have to take disc 2 out of cycle and work with the others... Disc one started with jumping too but not as much and I was fine with it... if they all jump I might be in trouble and I don't wanna be.  I need this to work for me...

But today is a new day and a new disc.

I plain on napping when i get home then getting into the workout...  then who knows... I am off the next two days and I am going to enjoy them.  :)  I am WORN OUT.

OK... this will be a bit embarrassing because its .... the #....

Ok Stepped on the scale this morning... which I ALWAYS think about... that chocolate bar.... that order of fried yummies... or some other such horrible thing I ate... So this morning I step on the scale, expecting at best no weight gain... and I went down 4 lbs!  I haven't weighed in about 2 weeks.  But Since I started INSANITY yesterday I wanted to see where I was.
286....  OK not a good number... but I started 337lbs I guess it is better...
there I said it.  The number...
I am embarrassed... but now its out there... no taking it back.... and that makes me know I have to go home and put in disc 2 of Insanity and I HAVE TO DO IT.  Becuase I have to be able to come back and give you all a number that begins with a 1... or at least a 20_ Number... Cause if I make it to like 209 I might just decide my day has been made.....
But that is still a LONG LONG LONG LONG way to go.... so here's to accountability.

My new BEFORE... Going to be doing INSANITY.

I am doing "shaming"  here.  Please don't tell me I am picking myself apart etc, etc... this is how I am making myself accountable for keeping on track starting tonight. OK... here we go...

  My new before... this is the most naked I could ever let myself be to take my before LOL.  Some people do the sports bra and work out shorts things... not this gal...  just cannot do it... anyway.....

 

FIRST

I am going to need to get rid of this...

PCOS often causes weight to be retained in the mid section 

More mid section......

My legs are better cause of dancing...  but there is a long way to go.

I am most worried about this ... can I PLEASE get some of this gone!!!  

OK I am NOT going to post every day of the 60 days cause that would be BORING... but I will be updating more often (fingers crossed)  than I used to.  OK... off to start the DVD.

I am really horrible at updating.

I have lost one more pound since the last update... HA!  at least I'm not gaining.
I have been so busy lately.  And stressed.
I have this weekend off to go with my mom and Johnny to KY to see my niece graduate high school... Starting to feel a little old now...  and then back to hectic life.  I like being busy but i need a vacation.  Away from home and away someplace nice.  ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO THAT FOR FREEEEEEE? lol.

still trying to dance my buns off... well... i am focusing more on the tummy region.  I kind of like my butt now.  :)  its nice.  Dancing has made it perkier.  :) :) :)


OK so I don't update on the regular cause I am so boring.

I am still on break from the fertility thing.  I just can't handle it right now.  And I know I am not getting any younger.  Maybe I just don't think medical people are going to help me.  Only the Grace of God will.  And I just can't focus on it right now.  I just want to live.  and being miserable all the time is no way to live.  worrying about when I am supposed to have sex and worrying about how I am supposed to lay or what i have to do... what i can and cannot eat.... what is wrong or right just to TRY and conceive so i MIGHT carry a baby to term... its not living.
And maybe its selfish of me to think that way but it was eating at me.  I was becoming and b-i-t-c-h.  and I don't want to BE that.  I hated me like that.  so breaking.... and maybe broke.  we will see....

Photos from dance photo shoots

Making decisions.

I officially told my Fertility docs yesterday that I am taking a break.  I have not had time in my life to cope with what has happen this past year and I need that. I am going to look into getting myself happy and healthy again and look into dealing with some of johnny's issues that don't help with all the fertility stuff for a while then we can try again.  Then I can ask about ovarian drilling, because if it will help me be healthier I want that.   I want what help I can get.  I am not losing weight like I should be.  At this point i should have doubled the weight I have lost.  If I were a normal person I would be so much better off.  I would be at least 100lbs down if i were normal.  It has taken me 2 years to lose 50 lbs.  it is ridiculous   I dance all the time.  I am active.  I watch what i eat. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to.  I have been without sodas on and off... I have to have one every once in a while.  I haven't had one in over 38 days now though.  I will have one on Easter as a celebration of making it trough lent without one but then back off again.  I have increased my water intake.  I eat breakfast now (that was a big thing for me.  I used to NEVER eat until like lunch)  I just don't know what else to do.

Doing research today...

I came across this today in my journey to discover what i can do for myself.  I am going to go into my next dr. appointment with what I want to do next.  Not what they want to do.  I am done listening to them.  I wanted to share this because almost everyone of these touched on my heart.  This is how I feel.  Maybe you think it is wrong and if you do that is fine but don't say that to me because I think its right and it is my life and my pain I am dealing with. 
This was written by a lady who had just lost her baby. Even if you only find one of the sentences that describes how you are feeling; then let it show that you are not alone.

1. DO understand that losing a baby changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a woman with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations and values.

2. DO not be afraid to speak to me about my loss and to ask questions or just let me talk about my baby when I feel it is going to help.

3. IF I cry or get emotional when I talk about my baby, I wish you knew that is isn’t because you hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you, the crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

4. DO not pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life.

5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. Do not think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have had a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling!

6. DO know that all of the “extreme” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and lack of self-confidence are to be expected during and following what is happening.

7. Do understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, want to surround myself with loved ones or be alone, all of which may be related to my grief.

8. IF I get withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Do not try to compel me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon. How do you know?

9. DO understand that it is normal that I may re-examine my faith, values and beliefs throughout this journey. I will recall things I have been taught all of my life, and hopefully come to some new and better understandings to include those with God.

10. IF we hear of friends and family that are p[regnant, do understand that I am truly happy for their blessing and my sadness or perhaps distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of my grief for my own baby.

11. DO not avoid me or stop calling because you don’t know what to say or you are waiting for me to call you. Show me that you care and that I can lean on you.

12. DO not tire of my constant mood swings. I know it’s hard for you to be strong all the time for me, I am trying to protect you too but I can’t control my feelings every minute of the day.

13. DO not treat me as though I am not a ‘mother’. Not having a child in my arms does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love. I have experienced the intensity of maternal love and it has changed me.

14. DO not expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have another child. With the search to add to my family I will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. I will also never forget the pain of losing this much wanted child.

15. DO pray for me to have the strength and patience and pray that I come out of this a stronger and more loving and compassionate person.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is what I will be inquiring about at my next appt.  This is the step I WANT TO TAKE!

 Ovarian Drilling

Ovarian drilling, done during laparoscopy, is a procedure in which a laser fibre or electrosurgical needle punctures the ovary 4 to 10 times. This treatment results in a dramatic lowering of male hormones within days and is often performed in women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Studies have shown that up to 80 percent of patients will benefit from such treatment. Many women who fail to ovulate with clomiphene or Metformin therapy will respond when these medications are reintroduced to the system after ovarian drilling. Side effects are rare, but may result in adhesion formation or ovarian failure if there are complications during the procedure.

Can you handle the VIDEO?  I watched several.... this one is not so bad. 

A rough week.

I have been waiting to start my period. I am 12 days late and negative on pt. I have been back in full dance mode since I got to go back to day shift this week. I am so sore. Glad to be but I am s.o.r.e. I've also be having little spouts of sadness just randomly strike me .  I kind of just want a reset button to hit.

Its one of them thangs that a girl goes through.

We have decided to use income tax return money to get an iui done. I will probably be spending most of time the next little while trying to do some research. Anyone been through it? I want to know success rate. I am nervous it won't work. It's a lot of money but not near as much  as ivf which is upwards of 10000 dollars a try..   I try to have faith but it is so hard some times. It seems like no matter how hard I try nothing happens like it should.

So many things have changed...

Life is not the same as it was just months ago.  I am so stressed and I don't know what to do anymore.  I just need to talk it all out and this is my venting method of choice.  No one has to read this so if you aren't really interested, I warn you to stop here.

Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs.  I was pregnant, then I wasn't.  Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick.  Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time.  I worry about my mom all the time too.  She is alone now.

I want to give up on having a baby.  I just don't know if i could handle it again.  I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed.  I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me.  Will I always carry this hurt?  Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?

my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here.  I know people just expect me to be ok and move on.  Maybe I should be.  Maybe i should just be fine now.  But i'm not.  And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this.  I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away.  Maybe that would have helped if it had happened.  But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild.  Maybe it was for the best.

my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does.  I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on.  There is something wrong with me.  It would take a miracle.  And I just don't think I believe in those anymore.  I used to.  How else could I have found the perfect man for me?

It was luck?  Maybe.  Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine.  Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am.  I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me.  I just feel abused and broken now.  I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again.  I just don't know what my heart can take.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible.  and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again.  Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much.  Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again   Then I stop myself.

Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be.  Maybe God knows better than I do.  maybe I'd be a shitty mom.  I think I would be good.  I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life.  I have nothing to show for anything.  I have accomplished NOTHING.  I work a barely above minimum wage job.  I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own.  I live in a tiny, messy house.  I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level.  and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.

I can't do it anymore.  I can't put my heart on the line.  I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time.  I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.

I just hurt too much.

If I have to see one more....

If I have to see one more post on FB about someone being pregnant I might just pull a britney spears and go crazy and shave my head or something.  I want to feel excited for these people but I just can't anymore...