Venting. Do not read if you don't want to.

I feel like the title of this blog should be changed.  It chronicles much more than just my struggles in weight loss.  It has become an outlet for my emotions on a lot in life.
This is not just about my journey of change anymore.
I have been registered in the upper numbers of "ok" blood pressure the last few times at the doc.  I am looking for ways to make this better without having to take medicine.  I have the cardio in my life that i need now.  apparently potassium rich foods and soy are good.  Meditation to celtic music seems to help.  Less salt.  I think I will try this stuff and see how it helps the next time i go to the doc.  If it is still high I will seek medicine.  I can't stand taking medicine.  I never remember it all the time, I have not had a good experience with medicines in the past, and I hate having to depend on something like that.
I am going to make healthy changes in my life to make sure I stay healthy.  i have not done all of this hard work just to get another ailment. I refuse to accept it.
the docs are not as excited about the few pounds i lose each month now.  They are starting to put in other things I need to do to lose more instead of saying. "Woohoo 2 more lbs this month!"  I work hard to lose the weight, and it gets downplayed.  That makes me start to think I am not doing as good as I should be.  then I get down and it makes me want to eat whatever and say forget it!
*sigh*
Jillian Michaels of biggest loser fame has PCOS.  I just recently discovered this.  Man, i guess it isn't impossible to be  skinny.  Well, she might never have had a weight problem.  It is one of the symptoms but not every person will have every symptom.  Her voice is deeper... that is a symptom.  Maybe she got that instead.  I would trade out :)  but I don't want to trade if it includes the hairy face symptom.

***
i have been trying to keep it together these past few days and put a smile on my face.  But any time i get a free moment I am thinking about it all and getting really upset still.  I just need to know....    they did more tests yesterday and we have to wait on them to come back before we can know if they can even remove the cancer.  It is in his stomach, esophagus and his intestine. Please pray that it can be removed and then the chances are higher that he will get better.  I don't know what kind of treatment they are giving him or are going to give him yet.   Guess it all depends on the results.  I pray they can surgically remove it and get it taken care of.
My brother is coming in this weekend to see him.  :)  that makes me happy.  I know it will make dad happy too.
I just can't wait to know more.  It may not be the news we want to hear when we hear it, but there is comfort in knowing.  somewhat... i don't know.  This is hard.

2012 has been crappy and I am over it.

Dealing...

I fear the worst nowadays.
there is nothing that can put me at ease.
Living life in a haze.
begging for more time, please!
This is all so wrong.
how do you deal?
I am not this strong.
This just cannot be real.


I am so scared right now for my father.  I don't know how to be strong for him.  I need to be right now.  Tomorrow I am going to see him and I just need to be strong for him.  I can't make this gnawing go away that is in the pit of my stomach..   This has been a ROUGH year.  First, we loose the baby. Our  little miracle. Gone in the blink of an eye.  And now I have to worry about losing my father too.  I can't handle it.  This is all too much.  I cannot even begin to imagine how scared my dad is.  Or how worried mom is.  I don't know how I would be if this was Johnny and I was dealing with the love of my life like this.
He's my daddy and I love him more than the world.  But she has to be hurting so much more.  I want to be strong for them.  I know I need to be.  But HOW?
I know other people have gone through this.  I am not the first.  But.... I don't understand how you deal with this.  My dad is YOUNG.  He's not some 90 year old who has live a full life.
He hasn't gotten to experience having a grand baby... and That rests on me too.  It's my fault.  I did something wrong and lost it.  She would have been here in less than a month had I done it right.  We would be getting ready for our bundle to arrive this Christmas.  I just don't know how to handle all of this emotion that is coming to me.
It eats at me.

It eats at me.


It is a constant nagging feeling... i think it might give me an ulcer.


what do i do?
what do i say?
how do I become the strong woman I need to be for them?

This has been a hard year....

I am so stressed right now. My daddy was just diagnosed with cancer. He's 49. I have no idea what to do. What do I do?