Venting. Do not read if you don't want to.

I feel like the title of this blog should be changed.  It chronicles much more than just my struggles in weight loss.  It has become an outlet for my emotions on a lot in life.
This is not just about my journey of change anymore.
I have been registered in the upper numbers of "ok" blood pressure the last few times at the doc.  I am looking for ways to make this better without having to take medicine.  I have the cardio in my life that i need now.  apparently potassium rich foods and soy are good.  Meditation to celtic music seems to help.  Less salt.  I think I will try this stuff and see how it helps the next time i go to the doc.  If it is still high I will seek medicine.  I can't stand taking medicine.  I never remember it all the time, I have not had a good experience with medicines in the past, and I hate having to depend on something like that.
I am going to make healthy changes in my life to make sure I stay healthy.  i have not done all of this hard work just to get another ailment. I refuse to accept it.
the docs are not as excited about the few pounds i lose each month now.  They are starting to put in other things I need to do to lose more instead of saying. "Woohoo 2 more lbs this month!"  I work hard to lose the weight, and it gets downplayed.  That makes me start to think I am not doing as good as I should be.  then I get down and it makes me want to eat whatever and say forget it!
*sigh*
Jillian Michaels of biggest loser fame has PCOS.  I just recently discovered this.  Man, i guess it isn't impossible to be  skinny.  Well, she might never have had a weight problem.  It is one of the symptoms but not every person will have every symptom.  Her voice is deeper... that is a symptom.  Maybe she got that instead.  I would trade out :)  but I don't want to trade if it includes the hairy face symptom.

***
i have been trying to keep it together these past few days and put a smile on my face.  But any time i get a free moment I am thinking about it all and getting really upset still.  I just need to know....    they did more tests yesterday and we have to wait on them to come back before we can know if they can even remove the cancer.  It is in his stomach, esophagus and his intestine. Please pray that it can be removed and then the chances are higher that he will get better.  I don't know what kind of treatment they are giving him or are going to give him yet.   Guess it all depends on the results.  I pray they can surgically remove it and get it taken care of.
My brother is coming in this weekend to see him.  :)  that makes me happy.  I know it will make dad happy too.
I just can't wait to know more.  It may not be the news we want to hear when we hear it, but there is comfort in knowing.  somewhat... i don't know.  This is hard.

2012 has been crappy and I am over it.

Dealing...

I fear the worst nowadays.
there is nothing that can put me at ease.
Living life in a haze.
begging for more time, please!
This is all so wrong.
how do you deal?
I am not this strong.
This just cannot be real.


I am so scared right now for my father.  I don't know how to be strong for him.  I need to be right now.  Tomorrow I am going to see him and I just need to be strong for him.  I can't make this gnawing go away that is in the pit of my stomach..   This has been a ROUGH year.  First, we loose the baby. Our  little miracle. Gone in the blink of an eye.  And now I have to worry about losing my father too.  I can't handle it.  This is all too much.  I cannot even begin to imagine how scared my dad is.  Or how worried mom is.  I don't know how I would be if this was Johnny and I was dealing with the love of my life like this.
He's my daddy and I love him more than the world.  But she has to be hurting so much more.  I want to be strong for them.  I know I need to be.  But HOW?
I know other people have gone through this.  I am not the first.  But.... I don't understand how you deal with this.  My dad is YOUNG.  He's not some 90 year old who has live a full life.
He hasn't gotten to experience having a grand baby... and That rests on me too.  It's my fault.  I did something wrong and lost it.  She would have been here in less than a month had I done it right.  We would be getting ready for our bundle to arrive this Christmas.  I just don't know how to handle all of this emotion that is coming to me.
It eats at me.

It eats at me.


It is a constant nagging feeling... i think it might give me an ulcer.


what do i do?
what do i say?
how do I become the strong woman I need to be for them?

This has been a hard year....

I am so stressed right now. My daddy was just diagnosed with cancer. He's 49. I have no idea what to do. What do I do?

<\3

This has been weighing on my heart a lot this past few weeks.  Maybe its just delayed reaction.  Or maybe its because the next step for us is an unattainable goal due to monetary reasons. But I feel like I lost my one chance to be what I have always wanted to be.  I feel cheated and hurt and angry.  SO I had to get it out.  so for the first time in 8 years, I wrote a poem.  It is not a great work of art.. just an outlet for a broken heart.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

For you…. Or for me.

You won’t even need 3 AM mastication.

I won’t have to suffer from sleep deprivation.

I won’t have to worry or fear

About just might what happen year after year?

You won’t grow up in a cruel world

Bullied by mean boys or nasty girls.

Life won’t make you jaded

And your innocence will never be faded.

I’ll never have to worry or care.

I’ll do what I want, when I want and where.

So what if I never get to hold you in my arms,

Snuggle you up and keep you warm?

So what if I never got to feel you kick, hear you laugh, or see your smiles?

I will never have to see you sick, hear you cry, or watch your trials.

I’ll never have to be disappointed by you

Or the foolish, silly, or stupid things you do.

I won’t get to see you succeed, but I’ll never have to see you run aground.

Life will be so much easier with you not around.

I won’t have to worry about money to buy you Christmas toys.

I won’t get to see your face alight with Christmas Joys.

You won’t have to struggle in any shape, form, or fashion.

But I will never get to see you learn, love, or be filled with passion.

You’ll never get to make me laugh, but you did make me cry.

And I will never, never, never understand just why you had to die. 

one of those days.

I have been so down lately.  I feel stupid for being so down.  Life is just really getting to me lately.  It just seems like we begin to catch up and we fall behind yet again.  I am broken at this point.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I hate feeling like this.  Usually i just paste on my smile and go around with it all in my heart.  But my heart cannot take it anymore.
I was blessed to find the man made for me early in life and the first time around.  and I feel ungrateful letting everything else get me down.
I am at a stand still on my weight loss.
I am on a stand still on my fertility.
I am on a stand still when it comes to money.
I am always struggling to make my bills and I just don't think the stress is helping.
I want to scream and cry and throw a fit but I know it won't help.  But maybe it would let some of this out.
I just feel like giving up.

Its just one of those days I guess.

*paste on smile here*

Life gets overwhelming....

I am sitting in the ER right now. Johnny has a kidney stone!  We were supposed to go pick up a new to us stove today at 9 but I don't think he'll be up to it. Our oven is broke. Every time I turn around it seems like something else is breaking!!!
This really couldn't be worse timing. This is the last month they are putting  me on clomid and this is my fertile day but I doubt Mr kidney stone is going to allow that to happen. The next step is iui.  We can't afford those procedures so............

An Update on Life:

An Update on Life:

I have gotten a new job and been here for a while now.  I am on my feet 8 hours a day and I am glad as all get out to have it.
I have been out of commission on my dancing for a few weeks due to a foot injury and I am just now getting back on track for that.  I am still being careful not to over do it.  But I have to get moving again.  I HAVE TO.
My weight loss is slow but its still there (kind of).  I am about 35lbs down from where I started... Maybe a little more now. I haven't weighed since going to the doc about 2 weeks ago.  then I was about 37lbs down.  But i always fluctuate between 1 and 2 lbs so I am just going to say 35lbs until I get closer to be 40lbs down. 
I am increasing my dancing again this week for the next 6 weeks.  I am going to be there almost everyday of the week (except Fridays... yep that will be my day off of dancing for now.)  I am feeling better in life and I am giving props to the ladies I dance with for this as well as the dancing itself.  They are the most supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of being grouped with.  I have to say I think that ad on facebook all that time ago for Sizemology was a blessing.  God was throwing exercise in my face with it.  And He was telling me it was going to be fun and easy to stick to.  (not always easy physically but fun enough to not give up). 

I never thought of myself as a good dancer.  I feel awkward sometimes but I really love it.  It has become one of the things i look forward to.  even if its been a hectic day at work, I always WANT to go.  Again, I feel that is partially credit for the lovely ladies that have become friends to me. 
I want to thank them for being so supportive.  For telling me when I am doing something right.  Or when I correct something I was doing wrong.  It  makes me feel good about myself for getting it right. 
Today, when I am so stressed about everything else in the world, this support group is always there to make me smile.  I feel a connection with them that I have not felt in a while. 
I have support at home with the hubs, who will do anything to make sure I get to do what I want when it comes to dance.  Making sure I have funds to keep doing so even if its a struggle, because he knows I need it to be a healthier, happier me. 
Its like physically good for me as well as a mental release in a lot of ways.  And I have to say that for a group of women, we get along so well.  the dynamic is perfect.  Most groups of women end up catty to one another.  So thanks, ladies for being so COOL. 

I am still trying to get some business for Wonderland Tutus and More... it is not taking off like I thought it would.  I gave up on etsy.... i never got any hits for any of our stuff.  I am relying on Facebook and my friends to spread word.  If I ever get money, i will splurg on advertising on Facebook.  I hope that happens one day so we can build our business.  I miss my bestie so much and she is amazing at making tutus.  so keep the word out for anyone needing gift ideas or anything on that front too. 

thanks for reading my babbling.  :)

11 month update.

o my glob.
it has been too long lovely friends.

I have so much going on right now.  I haven't been able to sit down and do any blogging.  Not that anyone missed it, except me of course :)
I have gone down a size in jeans.  and all of my pants are too big except the one pair i have bought since the change.  so that is the exciting news.

I feel like my journey is moving like molasses. I have been struggling with changing my life since november.  As of next month it will be a year.... I am 30 pounds and one pant size down.  That doesn't seem good enough to me so I am a bit disappointed in myself.

I have INSANITY to do.  I haven't gotten the courage to start it but I think I will tomorrow.  You are supposed to start on a monday so it would be a good time to start.

I have been really down since the miscarriage (did I blog about that??)  so i don't know that might be slowing me down.  The good news is I am officially allowed to start trying again now.  I go back to the dr. on the 10th of this month.

I have just started a new job.  I work front desk at Hampton Inn.  I get to be off by 3 every day i work but i am always exhausted.

I am still dancing.  I am learning so much.  And having so much fun.  I love all the ladies I dance with.  Most positive energies from them to keep me motivated.  There have been days when I have been absolutely exhausted and I pulled myself off the couch to go just because I wanted to see the girls that would be there.
Thanks ladies!

I dont have much to say.... I am a pretty boring girl but I thought it was time for an update....

This week has been hard....

I guess I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Nope, I never even posted about being pregnant in the first place.
Thursday was a bad bad day.  I had been going about every two weeks for ultrasounds and two weeks before there had been a heartbeat but the Dr. said there was a small problem because the baby was smaller than he/she should have been.  Mom reassured me that small babies ran in our family so i didn't think anything about it at the time.  What the Dr. never conveyed to me was that he was worried about my pregnancy.  He didn't say he thought I might lose it.  But two weeks later we go back and I am empty.... just started bleeding when I got there and he looked and there was no baby anymore.
I saw the heartbeat..... what happened?
There is no reason he can give me for it but he acted like 2 weeks ago he KNEW it was going to happen.  Jerk!  you never said that just that my baby was small.
So I broke down for about 2 days- I cried.  And I felt like I had done something wrong.  It had to be my fault. And this HURTS.  having a miscarriage HURTS.  Not just emotionally.  I don't know.......
I feel a little lost.
I feel really hurt.
I feel like I don't know what to do next.
Johnny wants to try again of course.  we already discussed it.  And so do i, but I am more scared now that this has happened.  More scared that when i didn't think I could have kids at all.... because what if this happens again?  Can I handle it?  I know deep down I can.  Now that i have had time to calm down I know its not the end of the world.
I just don't get how there could be a heart beat then... nothing.
I don't know.......

How do I get a miracle?

I started going to a fertility dr. in March.  I have been actively taking meds to help me with all this junk going on in my body.  I got a hair cut, too.  I am trying to make things work.  I have had some ups and downs in this journey (which is no where near over) already and I am exhausted by it.  I am completely over not seeing anymore progress in my weight loss.  I posted something earlier today on here that basically shows I am not crazy.  Doctors just don't believe a fat person when they say they are trying to lose weight unless they see massive weight loss.  I promise, I know I am not perfect but I am trying.  Johnny and I found a lovely walking trail and it is perfect outside this time of year for walking.  
I still do my dance and will be picking up more of that now that I am on this new schedule at work.  I will be late but I will still show up to all the extra classes I can take.  I eat veggie burgers now when I can to replace the burger I really want.   But mostly I eat grilled chicken.  I try not to eat fries anymore but sometimes I cheat.... I am only human. 
I have given up soda... but I allow myself one about once a week if I happen to crave one.  Some times a girl just needs an ice cold coca cola.  But I have bottled water most of the time.  99% of the time to be accurate.  
I pass on deserts and try not to snack late when I get the munchies... sometimes I let it slip, but most of the time I am good a keeping myself good.  I had a Reese Egg on easter.... but just one... not anymore than that like i would have done before.  
I am so over this standstill I am in though.  People Jump to the conclusion that I am not active when I complain... like i said, no one believes a fat girl.  
I look at pictures of me that include my body and I see something very disgusting.  I really have an amazingly pretty face so no complaints there, but I HATE my body.  And I don't HATE much.  If there was some way I could go back in time to when I started puberty and tell them to start me on PCOS meds then when the trouble started for me, maybe I wouldn't be here in this world of hating my body.  I didn't hate my body when I was a size 16/18.  Most people do, but I was content.  I thought mom was crazy when she talked to me about losing weight.  WHY?  I carried it well.  And now I would GIVE MY RIGHT ARM (the one I crochet with) to be that size again.  If I could just lose even 2 dress sizes (not my goal but pretty good) I would be happier in life.  I just feel like a whale.  
Today is a bad day for my mood.  I am upset because I can't get anywhere.  18lbs down since November.  That is it... in almost 6 months!!!!  And nothing in the past 2 months.... not a single lb.  I should think "at least I haven't GAINED"  but that isn't GOOD ENOUGH at this point.  I am not happy.  
TELL ME WHAT TO DO WORLD!  TELL ME HOW TO GET A MIRACLE! 

What I came across today.... and I felt Like I needed to share.

Psychologically, PCOS is a brutal condition. 

In its most severe form, a woman is stripped of nearly everything that society sees as womanly, a "theft of womanhood," as some sources call it. She probably is very fat, balding, has a mustache or other facial hair, has acne and body tags, doesn't cycle regularly, and has difficulty having children. She is seen as sexually unattractive, epitomizes the image of the "ugly" woman in our society, and is the object of many jokes and much derision in the media. Is it any wonder some women find this condition incredibly demoralizing?

Adding into this is the lack of understanding around PCOS as a condition. Even when you have an official diagnosis, some friends and family consider it a dubious finding. In their view, you're just looking for an excuse for being fat, crying about how your "bad metabolism" causes your obesity, instead of taking responsibility for your supposedly poor eating. They roll their eyes or accuse you of closet binge-eating instead.
Doctors often don't believe you if you tell them you eat normally either, thinking you must be in denial about your eating, or that you are too uneducated about "proper" nutrition to really understand how to eat healthy. Furthermore, the shopping cart and food intake of a woman with PCOS are under continuous scrutiny and criticism, adding constant stress to daily life. The "obese" woman with PCOS always feels on the defensive about her food or exercise habits.

This disbelief about their experiences and the burden of constant surveillance often takes a considerable toll on PCOS women's self-esteem. And for those who truly do struggle with eating disorders after years of dieting, the shame around dealing with that on top of PCOS can be overwhelming.


Because of its implications for long-term health, PCOS deserves to be taken seriously, regardless of the patient's age or whether or not they want children. It needs to be seen as a life-long condition, not just a concern tied to pregnancy.

Feeling a bit down in the dumps as it were.

I am so ANGRY and SAD all at the same time.
For the past 2 weeks my stomach has been hurting almost every time I eat ANYTHING. So I go to the dr today to see about getting myself fixed up.  Instead I get a lecture on how I wouldn't feel like this if I just lost weight.  Excuse me... do skinny people not get sick?  I missed that memo.  
so I took it out on facebook: "warning: the following will be a rant....
I am so over this crap! The worst thing about being fat isn't actually being fat its the fact that no doctor will help you when you are fat. They just want to tell you that miracles will happen and angels will sing and pigs will fly if all you will do is lose weigh!!!! DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE TRIED/AM TRYING TO DO SO!? Hi, I don't know if you have taken a look at my MEDICAL RECORDS since you are my FREAKING doctor and all but having the thyroid disorder and PCOS.... doesn't help weight loss. If i could do it by cutting calories and exercising, I should be a freaking MODEL by now. I am DOING this. I even said UPFRONT that I am doing these things but my appointment becomes a LECTURE on how I need to lose weight. YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! Next time I will save my money and my time and just starve myself for a week. All I went in there for was because my stomach has been hurting and I have been throwing up on and off for 2 weeks. I guess if I lost weight that wouldn't happen to me either. APPARENTLY skinny people NEVER GET SICK."

Now I am taking it out here too.  

I am so over having to defend myself to a dr.  You know what? This is why i quit going in the first place, instead of LISTENING to me, they just want to hear themselves speak.  I tried to tell her why i was not taking medicine for my PCOS.  Because Metformin makes me sick.  I am not diabetic and it makes my sugars drop and I get sick.  Her response... "It isnt just for diabetes. It is to keep you from being insulin resistant so you can ovulate."  I KNOW THAT.  I RESEARCH when I am told something is wrong with me. I want to KNOW everything I can so I can battle it with knowledge in my arsenal.  But I am apparently stupid.  I said "I know but it makes me sick.  Apparently no one cares though."  Snippy little remark.  

I know being snippy isn't helping.  Does anyone know a doctor who actually cares about their patients and not just about the $$$$ they are going to make from my visit?  I would love to go to a dr. like that.  I am still waiting on a referrall to go to an endocrinologist.  But for now I am on the search for a good gyno that will maybe LISTEN to me and help me get what I NEED and what I WANT.  I am not getting any younger.  I would love to have kids before I am 40. 

Hiccups and bumps in the road... Discouraged.

I am so frustrated I can't even describe it.  Nothing I do is working so I have just gotten so frustrated!
Things I am changing now to try and kick start my diet again......
1. No More SODA!  That will be HARD because I usually have one with dinner.  And I drink them ALOT on weekends.  I am good about water on weekdays while at work but now I am going to have to take that into  my weekends and evenings too.  I know these empty calories (when I drink a fully loaded soda) are no good.  And I usually drink DIET at home and all but they still aren't healthy so I know I need to just let them go.
2. I gave up slim fast.  I was STARVING all the time and MISERABLE.  You cannot succeed in a cycle like that.  I have instead replaced it with foods in the same range of caloric intake.  I feel better because I am actually eating.  I know it is a mental thing.  But I have found some awesome recipes for 200 calorie foods at doctoroz.com.
3.  I am going to start walking.  I have promised my dog I will walk her for a long time every night.  I cannot break  my promises :)  Plus I can drag Johnny with me.
4.  I am trying to get in with and Endocrinologist that specializes in PCOS AND Thyroid disorders.  That way I can battle these from a different angle.  Obviously the Gynos were not working. I have not been feeling well lately.  I have been feeling worn out and just bad.  I need these things fixed so I can feel normal.  If I can't feel normal then I cannot begin to be healthier.

And that is the purpose of this.  I need to be HEALTHY.  I am tired of feeling tired... sick of being sick.  I am disgusted at how bad I feel all the time and I am TIRED of it.  I am going to make changes in my life.  Whatever I have to do to FEEL WELL.  And I will not be perfect.  I will mess up.  I am Counting this as a FRESH fresh start.   I have gone down the wrong path and Now I have to start over from the beginning.  so i can find the right path for ME.  Not what works for others... but what will work for me.

I have been eating these (for lack of a better way to describe them) adult lunchables.  They have whole wheat crackers with cream cheese spread (the fancy ones that taste like garden veggies and all) and then turkey or chicken.  They even come with a mini toblerone.  They have 270 calories in them.  And they are filling.
I have kept my 90 calorie apples and fruit dip snacks, but I dropped the carrots and ranch.  I was over them... and they had regular ranch in them... not light... so i thought it would be counterproductive to continue eating fattening ranch.
For now that is all... thanks for making it through my mindless rambles lol.

FRUSTRATIONS

I have been thinking about my health a lot tonight.  I am so over this trying to lose weight thing right now... I am telling you I am on this HUMP that I cannot get over.  I will lose a lb then gain 2 then lose 3 then gain 4 then lose 3 then gain 2 and on and on... I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really over it all.
I have been looking up PCOS art on deviantart.com.  And it makes me feel a little better because I know I am not alone.  There are others out there hurting.   People don't take it seriously.  They just want to think I am fine.  And it isn't killing me so I can put a smile on my face and pretend it isn't there for awhile then it hits me again.  I haven't had a period in like 8 months.  I can't lose weight no matter how many calories I cut, how many meals are replaced with slim fast, or how many diet pills I take.
I can't take the meds they wanted me to because they kept me sick.  I don;t know what to do!!  and Drs. do NOT listen.  NONE of them.  The last time I was at the dr. i threw in the fact that it had (at that time) been six months since I had a period... his reaction "Hmm."  then moved on.
I am stressed out and frustrated.  and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE>
I just want to scream and cry and curl in a ball.  I just needed to vent.  No one has to read this... I am not posting this one on FB for the world to see.   I just needed to get it out...

just another update

total weight lost 17 pounds. back at classes and loving it. got to dance for 2 hours last night. slim fast is still killing me. I thought it would get easier but I still want to eat and I'm starving by dinner. I even a quote unquote cheat by eating carrot sticks and apple slices. it's kind of a downer when I'm doing so good to be so frustrated with what I'm trying to do. 17 pounds down and I'd like to get about 70 more. short term goal will be 15 more pounds. I'd like to do that by april. wish me luck! I am trying to get more active and I'm trying to eat better and I'm try to make johnny do it with me. eating at home or instead of eating out is something we both need in our lives. and wants this weather is better and not rainy all the time it seems... I will want to start walking again. maybe I can start tonight. whatever I can do to make us more active. johnny and I both need a good swift kick to get us started. also I need to make a stop at my doctor's office. I haven't been for a checkup in so long because of not having money. but I seriously need to follow up on my thyroid issue as well as the pcos. both of those diseases are working against me when I'm trying to lose weight. right now I'm kicking their butts but any day they could take over. I just need to go to the doctor and get healthy.

that's it for this quick update and I will update everyone soon again.

Hungry Girl.

I have been on slim fast all week and it is not easy!!!  I think it will get easier.. but oh my gosh!

Back on track...

So tonight back to class i went. So much fun! I missed it. Hopefully i won't have to quit again. I finally had something that was fun and it was EXERCISE. Wow. I love dancing. And i feel so good after it.
Monday i start slim fast. I have to do something to get this weight off.
Johnny and i also made the decision to make sure we each take a daily multi vitamin too. It is time we get healthy and happy together. We also want to get spirituAlly healthy again so we are going to be going back to church again.
2012 will be a good year!

An update....

So I have been more active lately, mostly due to the fact that I am working a second job.  I have lost right under 15lbs and I am feeling good.  Now, I got on the scale this morning and I seem to maybe have hit a wall.  I am getting less hours at my second job now that the holidays are over so I am only working 3 days instead of 5.  I am exhausted from working the jobs but I am Excited about getting on with my healthier way.  I have been eating at home more, too.  I made homemade chili this week.... A TON of it.  My birthday week was a different story.  I ate out WAY too much.  I think that might be why i hit my wall.
I have been eating rice cake snacks too.  Now that Johnny and I are both getting paychecks I am going to start getting some cherry tomatoes and carrot sticks with fat free ranch in the fridge. MMMMMM.  Some of my favorite go to snacks while I was on weight watchers the  first time.
I am also thinking that i might go to a weight loss clinic.  I still have to think to about that because that would be a lot of money monthly.  But it would all be worth it in the end.
well, I got some things to do today.  :)  Til next time.