<\3

This has been weighing on my heart a lot this past few weeks.  Maybe its just delayed reaction.  Or maybe its because the next step for us is an unattainable goal due to monetary reasons. But I feel like I lost my one chance to be what I have always wanted to be.  I feel cheated and hurt and angry.  SO I had to get it out.  so for the first time in 8 years, I wrote a poem.  It is not a great work of art.. just an outlet for a broken heart.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

For you…. Or for me.

You won’t even need 3 AM mastication.

I won’t have to suffer from sleep deprivation.

I won’t have to worry or fear

About just might what happen year after year?

You won’t grow up in a cruel world

Bullied by mean boys or nasty girls.

Life won’t make you jaded

And your innocence will never be faded.

I’ll never have to worry or care.

I’ll do what I want, when I want and where.

So what if I never get to hold you in my arms,

Snuggle you up and keep you warm?

So what if I never got to feel you kick, hear you laugh, or see your smiles?

I will never have to see you sick, hear you cry, or watch your trials.

I’ll never have to be disappointed by you

Or the foolish, silly, or stupid things you do.

I won’t get to see you succeed, but I’ll never have to see you run aground.

Life will be so much easier with you not around.

I won’t have to worry about money to buy you Christmas toys.

I won’t get to see your face alight with Christmas Joys.

You won’t have to struggle in any shape, form, or fashion.

But I will never get to see you learn, love, or be filled with passion.

You’ll never get to make me laugh, but you did make me cry.

And I will never, never, never understand just why you had to die. 

one of those days.

I have been so down lately.  I feel stupid for being so down.  Life is just really getting to me lately.  It just seems like we begin to catch up and we fall behind yet again.  I am broken at this point.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I hate feeling like this.  Usually i just paste on my smile and go around with it all in my heart.  But my heart cannot take it anymore.
I was blessed to find the man made for me early in life and the first time around.  and I feel ungrateful letting everything else get me down.
I am at a stand still on my weight loss.
I am on a stand still on my fertility.
I am on a stand still when it comes to money.
I am always struggling to make my bills and I just don't think the stress is helping.
I want to scream and cry and throw a fit but I know it won't help.  But maybe it would let some of this out.
I just feel like giving up.

Its just one of those days I guess.

*paste on smile here*

Life gets overwhelming....

I am sitting in the ER right now. Johnny has a kidney stone!  We were supposed to go pick up a new to us stove today at 9 but I don't think he'll be up to it. Our oven is broke. Every time I turn around it seems like something else is breaking!!!
This really couldn't be worse timing. This is the last month they are putting  me on clomid and this is my fertile day but I doubt Mr kidney stone is going to allow that to happen. The next step is iui.  We can't afford those procedures so............