We have decided to use income tax return money to get an iui done. I will probably be spending most of time the next little while trying to do some research. Anyone been through it? I want to know success rate. I am nervous it won't work. It's a lot of money but not near as much as ivf which is upwards of 10000 dollars a try.. I try to have faith but it is so hard some times. It seems like no matter how hard I try nothing happens like it should.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
So many things have changed...
Life is not the same as it was just months ago. I am so stressed and I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to talk it all out and this is my venting method of choice. No one has to read this so if you aren't really interested, I warn you to stop here.
Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick. Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time. I worry about my mom all the time too. She is alone now.
I want to give up on having a baby. I just don't know if i could handle it again. I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed. I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me. Will I always carry this hurt? Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?
my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here. I know people just expect me to be ok and move on. Maybe I should be. Maybe i should just be fine now. But i'm not. And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this. I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away. Maybe that would have helped if it had happened. But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild. Maybe it was for the best.
my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does. I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on. There is something wrong with me. It would take a miracle. And I just don't think I believe in those anymore. I used to. How else could I have found the perfect man for me?
It was luck? Maybe. Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine. Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am. I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me. I just feel abused and broken now. I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again. I just don't know what my heart can take.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible. and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again. Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much. Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again Then I stop myself.
Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be. Maybe God knows better than I do. maybe I'd be a shitty mom. I think I would be good. I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life. I have nothing to show for anything. I have accomplished NOTHING. I work a barely above minimum wage job. I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own. I live in a tiny, messy house. I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level. and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.
I can't do it anymore. I can't put my heart on the line. I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time. I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.
I just hurt too much.
Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick. Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time. I worry about my mom all the time too. She is alone now.
I want to give up on having a baby. I just don't know if i could handle it again. I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed. I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me. Will I always carry this hurt? Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?
my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here. I know people just expect me to be ok and move on. Maybe I should be. Maybe i should just be fine now. But i'm not. And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this. I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away. Maybe that would have helped if it had happened. But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild. Maybe it was for the best.
my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does. I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on. There is something wrong with me. It would take a miracle. And I just don't think I believe in those anymore. I used to. How else could I have found the perfect man for me?
It was luck? Maybe. Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine. Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am. I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me. I just feel abused and broken now. I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again. I just don't know what my heart can take.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible. and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again. Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much. Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again Then I stop myself.
Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be. Maybe God knows better than I do. maybe I'd be a shitty mom. I think I would be good. I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life. I have nothing to show for anything. I have accomplished NOTHING. I work a barely above minimum wage job. I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own. I live in a tiny, messy house. I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level. and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.
I can't do it anymore. I can't put my heart on the line. I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time. I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.
I just hurt too much.
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