Today, I stumbled upon a blog that a friend of mine is doing.... What is this, I thought, they still have blogs? Well, then I read it and I thought, I know what I need to do. I want to be held accountable for my life. What better way that to detail it in excruciating detail then hope my friends offer moral support for me :). I say excruciating detail, because if I trip and stumble on my journey I am still going to talk about it. I might even grow a pair and put the EXCRUCIATING NUMBER on here... as in my weight. God, the thought of that number embarrasses me let alone actually typing it on here for the world to see.
This past 5 days has been life changing already.
For those of you who I may not get to talk to much, I will give you a semi short version of what has been happening in the last 2-2.5 years now.
On Thanksgiving 2009, I was blessed with a 3 month long period (sorry if any GUYS are reading, you can pretend you didn't see that part). And at this point I knew I had to take action. I just didn't have insurance yet!!! So in January when my insurance kicked in at work I was at the Doctor waiting to get in!! For years, I have known there was something wrong. I just knew it. I mean, you know your own body. And I have never been one to be "sick" all the time and think there is always something wrong. I HATE when something is wrong. It makes me feel weak.
Well, we found something. PCOS. Poly cystic ovary syndrome. Basically that means I have what looks like about a million little cysts all over my ovaries. I do not ovulate like I should and some times not at all. And very recently I have experienced them RUPTURING.... and that is NOT FUN. But anyway. I have an answer for my problems, so I thought, YAY now we can FIX this. And I was wrong.
There is no fix for this. It is something I will live with for my entire life.
This was also devastating for another reason. I have always always always wanted to be a mother.... well, PCOS is something that keeps this dream from coming true. I know of several people who have PCOS. out of these 10 or 11 people, I know of 1 who has been pregnant and been able to keep it. There are my percentages I am faced with.
Well, after dealing with this for so long now, I have given that up to God. I have decided he will do with it what He wants. I am tired of taking meds that make me sick because they are made for diabetics and are supposed to help with these cysts. All they do is make my blood sugar Plummet and I am left with a sick stomach and headache. And I am tired of paying to see doctors who DO NOT listen to me.
On top of this I have a thyroid issue that has popped up too. This was just discovered about 3 months ago, and it can take years to get the medicines right on that so I am not done with doctors completely. Along with that this problem makes you gain and retain weight and that is the LAST thing I need. I got being curvy covered on my own :). But I am ok with this issue in my life. This is more normal of a problem. However, I hate feeling like I am always at the doctor. People probably think I am a hypochondriac, but hey what can you do.
Here is where guys can pick back up.... :). Last Thursday I was in my car driving home from work and I had forgotten my phone at home... I did that twice last week! So I turned down my radio and I did something I haven't done in a long time. I had a conversation with the Big Guy Upstairs. I haven't done that in a LONG time. When I found out that I had PCOS in January 2010, I kind of gave up that part of my life. I didn't NOT believe anymore or anything like that. But I didn't go to church anymore. Johnny and I used to go every week. But I just couldn't make myself WANT to go anymore.
I was heartbroken. I am still trying to glue the pieces of my heart back together. I just realized that God is the glue that I need now.
So on Thursday I am talking to God, and yelling. and crying. And all I want to know is "WHY? Why am I not going to become the one thing in life that I have always wanted to be? What is the purpose of my life? Am I destined to be that old woman that dies in her house and isn't found until the neighbors smell her rotting corpse? ( This is where my mind goes because I have heard too many stories like that of old women who never had kids and whose husband and other family is long gone) What am I supposed to do with my life? Just give me a sign!" I feel like it is pointless if not to be a mother. I know I could be 80% happy in life. I have great friends, a wonderful family, an amazing husband, but there would be this void in my heart that would never be filled by anything in life that is meant to be filled by the love I would have for my own child.
And as I am done asking "Why, why , why???" I am stopped at a red light. I am stopped here everyday ( I never catch it on green!!) and there are never signs here.... and there was a sign. It simply said "Become a Foster Parent." then had the number to call. Wow, a literal sign. Thank you, because i am oblivious to subtle hints. He knows what I need :).
So I know what I am doing in life now. Well, when I am done with school in 2013. I will then be looking to become a foster parent (along with Johnny of course). I came home and the first thing I did was talk to Johnny about it.
Then I had a friend invite me to come to a church function. So on Saturday I went. And I was nervous about it. I am always nervous going to a church for the first time. I am very used to a certain way in church... and I know there are very many different kinds of church. But I had a feeling I needed to go. So I went. I am glad that I did.
Here I am sitting in a church where every woman in there has at leas 1 kid running around. And the pastor has 7!!! and I am listening to this song the guy on keyboard is singing about healing the body. And here I am just coming off of making this HUGE life decision and I am just looking at these babies and children and hearing these verses of this song and I cannot help but to start just BAWLING in this church. And it was that snotty, gross kind of crying. And I wore makeup and everything of course.
Let's just say by the end of this thing I am only HALF wearing makeup anymore.
I know that I am making the right decisions at this point. I am focused on making myself healthy and getting through school while working full time and not killing myself. I am going to be joining the workout anytime that is opening in Oak Ridge as soon as they are up and running. $15 bucks a month... I can work with that. And I am going to take the stress I have from working and school all the time and I am going to work out until the knot of stress between my shoulder blades is melted away or the rest of me hurts more than it does so I don't notice it. And I am going to start going back to Sizemology classes, because I LOVE THOSE DANCE CLASSES. And I will go all by myself if I have to just to go again.
I don't care if my knees is hurting or my feet are swollen or if it is "too hot to move." I am making changes in my life. I am going to be healthy. I am going to graduate (with a 4.0 if i can at all possibly continue to manage that gpa) and I am going to become a teacher. And I am going to feel sexy again. And I am going to take burlesque classes when I start feeling sexy. Hell, I might even become Nikki Darling (that is my future stage name).
AND in 2013 I am going to walk into my 10 year reunion for high school and I am going to be the hottest, happiest woman in the room. I got the Man of my dreams already. He treats me like a queen. I just have to work on myself. And that is what I am doing... Starting NOW.
**AmandaNicole**
