Hiccups and bumps in the road... Discouraged.

I am so frustrated I can't even describe it.  Nothing I do is working so I have just gotten so frustrated!
Things I am changing now to try and kick start my diet again......
1. No More SODA!  That will be HARD because I usually have one with dinner.  And I drink them ALOT on weekends.  I am good about water on weekdays while at work but now I am going to have to take that into  my weekends and evenings too.  I know these empty calories (when I drink a fully loaded soda) are no good.  And I usually drink DIET at home and all but they still aren't healthy so I know I need to just let them go.
2. I gave up slim fast.  I was STARVING all the time and MISERABLE.  You cannot succeed in a cycle like that.  I have instead replaced it with foods in the same range of caloric intake.  I feel better because I am actually eating.  I know it is a mental thing.  But I have found some awesome recipes for 200 calorie foods at doctoroz.com.
3.  I am going to start walking.  I have promised my dog I will walk her for a long time every night.  I cannot break  my promises :)  Plus I can drag Johnny with me.
4.  I am trying to get in with and Endocrinologist that specializes in PCOS AND Thyroid disorders.  That way I can battle these from a different angle.  Obviously the Gynos were not working. I have not been feeling well lately.  I have been feeling worn out and just bad.  I need these things fixed so I can feel normal.  If I can't feel normal then I cannot begin to be healthier.

And that is the purpose of this.  I need to be HEALTHY.  I am tired of feeling tired... sick of being sick.  I am disgusted at how bad I feel all the time and I am TIRED of it.  I am going to make changes in my life.  Whatever I have to do to FEEL WELL.  And I will not be perfect.  I will mess up.  I am Counting this as a FRESH fresh start.   I have gone down the wrong path and Now I have to start over from the beginning.  so i can find the right path for ME.  Not what works for others... but what will work for me.

I have been eating these (for lack of a better way to describe them) adult lunchables.  They have whole wheat crackers with cream cheese spread (the fancy ones that taste like garden veggies and all) and then turkey or chicken.  They even come with a mini toblerone.  They have 270 calories in them.  And they are filling.
I have kept my 90 calorie apples and fruit dip snacks, but I dropped the carrots and ranch.  I was over them... and they had regular ranch in them... not light... so i thought it would be counterproductive to continue eating fattening ranch.
For now that is all... thanks for making it through my mindless rambles lol.

FRUSTRATIONS

I have been thinking about my health a lot tonight.  I am so over this trying to lose weight thing right now... I am telling you I am on this HUMP that I cannot get over.  I will lose a lb then gain 2 then lose 3 then gain 4 then lose 3 then gain 2 and on and on... I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really over it all.
I have been looking up PCOS art on deviantart.com.  And it makes me feel a little better because I know I am not alone.  There are others out there hurting.   People don't take it seriously.  They just want to think I am fine.  And it isn't killing me so I can put a smile on my face and pretend it isn't there for awhile then it hits me again.  I haven't had a period in like 8 months.  I can't lose weight no matter how many calories I cut, how many meals are replaced with slim fast, or how many diet pills I take.
I can't take the meds they wanted me to because they kept me sick.  I don;t know what to do!!  and Drs. do NOT listen.  NONE of them.  The last time I was at the dr. i threw in the fact that it had (at that time) been six months since I had a period... his reaction "Hmm."  then moved on.
I am stressed out and frustrated.  and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE>
I just want to scream and cry and curl in a ball.  I just needed to vent.  No one has to read this... I am not posting this one on FB for the world to see.   I just needed to get it out...