I am stuck in this place that I am not happy about. I have had so much happen over the past year that I am just not able to process it all. A year ago life began to move on this path that I would have never thought would happen.
It all started with the miscarriage. If I were to count the past year johnny and I have been trying to conceive for about 6 years. It wasn't something I really made known to the world until about 2 years in when I really began to worry. We hadn't even had any "Woopsies" which is what I call when you think you're pregnant and it isn't in your plan. So really my slow and steady fall into this insanity might have started then... but ramped up with the past year.
When you are TTC and you are charting BBT and watching closely to see when you produce mucus. ( this all becomes part of everyday life of infertility... you begin to not GRIMACE at the word Mucus.) You also learn TTC and BBT and BFP and BFN and TWW are all common lingo. I have apps on my phone that track my cycle and EVERYTHING.
Well, when this has become the everyday and you get a miracle like finding out you are actually pregnant... it is the BEST feeling in the world. I was stressed because I was out of work and worried about affording a crib and stuff, But I knew we would find a way to make it work because God was finally blessing us with a bundle of joy and I couldn't quit smiling.
For three months I kept that smile. Every Ultrasound (which you get a lot when you have PCOS apparently) was just a glimpse into this amazing life you are creating and it kept building my hopes.
Mom went with me to one that Johnny had to work during and it was the 3 month one. And that is when I found out that the baby was no more. I actually started bleeding just before my appointment while waiting to be called back. That was the worst.
To this day, I don't know if it would be less painful never to have been given the hope at all... just never even had that three month period in my life where I thought I might actually achieve my lifelong dream to become a mother.
Well, nothing I can do about that now.......
Then dealing with the death of my father. I just don't know.... I still feel like he's just gone on vacation or something and one day I will wake up and he will be home. I miss him every day. And I hate hate hate hate hate hate seeing my mom so sad. That was so awful..... just being diagnosed then gone in a matter of days. DAYS. not weeks not months not years... DAYS.
I had closure.... I got to be there with him as he left us. I got to hold his hand and say goodbye. And I am thankful for that. A lot of people do not get that chance... but it still rips my heart out.
Life just is never what you think it is going to be. I thought being married to Johnny was never going to be this hard. We are dealing with some stuff.... only out of respect for him since this blog is about me... I will not put up details... people close to me know more about what is going on. I love him, he loves me... and we just need time and help to work out all the other stuff.
All of this on top of Johnny being in and out of work (which is not his fault its this stupid economy. He hasn't ever been FIRED. Always laid off due to lack of work, etc) its just a lot for one person to take. Car troubles, hospital visits, and general life stress don't help.
I just don't know what to do anymore... but I do know that I am going to go see someone. I am going to get help. I have decided that maybe I am just too human to handle this alone. I am not a superhero and I cannot make this journey I am on alone anymore. I want to just crawl under a rock and give up and that is not healthy. I have to do something to get over these humps once and for all.. If that makes me weak, then I guess I am. I just cannot do this like this anymore. I need help. and I am going to get some.
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