Its one of them thangs that a girl goes through.

We have decided to use income tax return money to get an iui done. I will probably be spending most of time the next little while trying to do some research. Anyone been through it? I want to know success rate. I am nervous it won't work. It's a lot of money but not near as much  as ivf which is upwards of 10000 dollars a try..   I try to have faith but it is so hard some times. It seems like no matter how hard I try nothing happens like it should.

So many things have changed...

Life is not the same as it was just months ago.  I am so stressed and I don't know what to do anymore.  I just need to talk it all out and this is my venting method of choice.  No one has to read this so if you aren't really interested, I warn you to stop here.

Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs.  I was pregnant, then I wasn't.  Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick.  Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time.  I worry about my mom all the time too.  She is alone now.

I want to give up on having a baby.  I just don't know if i could handle it again.  I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed.  I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me.  Will I always carry this hurt?  Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?

my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here.  I know people just expect me to be ok and move on.  Maybe I should be.  Maybe i should just be fine now.  But i'm not.  And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this.  I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away.  Maybe that would have helped if it had happened.  But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild.  Maybe it was for the best.

my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does.  I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on.  There is something wrong with me.  It would take a miracle.  And I just don't think I believe in those anymore.  I used to.  How else could I have found the perfect man for me?

It was luck?  Maybe.  Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine.  Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am.  I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me.  I just feel abused and broken now.  I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again.  I just don't know what my heart can take.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible.  and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again.  Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much.  Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again   Then I stop myself.

Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be.  Maybe God knows better than I do.  maybe I'd be a shitty mom.  I think I would be good.  I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life.  I have nothing to show for anything.  I have accomplished NOTHING.  I work a barely above minimum wage job.  I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own.  I live in a tiny, messy house.  I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level.  and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.

I can't do it anymore.  I can't put my heart on the line.  I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time.  I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.

I just hurt too much.

If I have to see one more....

If I have to see one more post on FB about someone being pregnant I might just pull a britney spears and go crazy and shave my head or something.  I want to feel excited for these people but I just can't anymore...

Venting. Do not read if you don't want to.

I feel like the title of this blog should be changed.  It chronicles much more than just my struggles in weight loss.  It has become an outlet for my emotions on a lot in life.
This is not just about my journey of change anymore.
I have been registered in the upper numbers of "ok" blood pressure the last few times at the doc.  I am looking for ways to make this better without having to take medicine.  I have the cardio in my life that i need now.  apparently potassium rich foods and soy are good.  Meditation to celtic music seems to help.  Less salt.  I think I will try this stuff and see how it helps the next time i go to the doc.  If it is still high I will seek medicine.  I can't stand taking medicine.  I never remember it all the time, I have not had a good experience with medicines in the past, and I hate having to depend on something like that.
I am going to make healthy changes in my life to make sure I stay healthy.  i have not done all of this hard work just to get another ailment. I refuse to accept it.
the docs are not as excited about the few pounds i lose each month now.  They are starting to put in other things I need to do to lose more instead of saying. "Woohoo 2 more lbs this month!"  I work hard to lose the weight, and it gets downplayed.  That makes me start to think I am not doing as good as I should be.  then I get down and it makes me want to eat whatever and say forget it!
*sigh*
Jillian Michaels of biggest loser fame has PCOS.  I just recently discovered this.  Man, i guess it isn't impossible to be  skinny.  Well, she might never have had a weight problem.  It is one of the symptoms but not every person will have every symptom.  Her voice is deeper... that is a symptom.  Maybe she got that instead.  I would trade out :)  but I don't want to trade if it includes the hairy face symptom.

***
i have been trying to keep it together these past few days and put a smile on my face.  But any time i get a free moment I am thinking about it all and getting really upset still.  I just need to know....    they did more tests yesterday and we have to wait on them to come back before we can know if they can even remove the cancer.  It is in his stomach, esophagus and his intestine. Please pray that it can be removed and then the chances are higher that he will get better.  I don't know what kind of treatment they are giving him or are going to give him yet.   Guess it all depends on the results.  I pray they can surgically remove it and get it taken care of.
My brother is coming in this weekend to see him.  :)  that makes me happy.  I know it will make dad happy too.
I just can't wait to know more.  It may not be the news we want to hear when we hear it, but there is comfort in knowing.  somewhat... i don't know.  This is hard.

2012 has been crappy and I am over it.

Dealing...

I fear the worst nowadays.
there is nothing that can put me at ease.
Living life in a haze.
begging for more time, please!
This is all so wrong.
how do you deal?
I am not this strong.
This just cannot be real.


I am so scared right now for my father.  I don't know how to be strong for him.  I need to be right now.  Tomorrow I am going to see him and I just need to be strong for him.  I can't make this gnawing go away that is in the pit of my stomach..   This has been a ROUGH year.  First, we loose the baby. Our  little miracle. Gone in the blink of an eye.  And now I have to worry about losing my father too.  I can't handle it.  This is all too much.  I cannot even begin to imagine how scared my dad is.  Or how worried mom is.  I don't know how I would be if this was Johnny and I was dealing with the love of my life like this.
He's my daddy and I love him more than the world.  But she has to be hurting so much more.  I want to be strong for them.  I know I need to be.  But HOW?
I know other people have gone through this.  I am not the first.  But.... I don't understand how you deal with this.  My dad is YOUNG.  He's not some 90 year old who has live a full life.
He hasn't gotten to experience having a grand baby... and That rests on me too.  It's my fault.  I did something wrong and lost it.  She would have been here in less than a month had I done it right.  We would be getting ready for our bundle to arrive this Christmas.  I just don't know how to handle all of this emotion that is coming to me.
It eats at me.

It eats at me.


It is a constant nagging feeling... i think it might give me an ulcer.


what do i do?
what do i say?
how do I become the strong woman I need to be for them?

This has been a hard year....

I am so stressed right now. My daddy was just diagnosed with cancer. He's 49. I have no idea what to do. What do I do?

<\3

This has been weighing on my heart a lot this past few weeks.  Maybe its just delayed reaction.  Or maybe its because the next step for us is an unattainable goal due to monetary reasons. But I feel like I lost my one chance to be what I have always wanted to be.  I feel cheated and hurt and angry.  SO I had to get it out.  so for the first time in 8 years, I wrote a poem.  It is not a great work of art.. just an outlet for a broken heart.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

For you…. Or for me.

You won’t even need 3 AM mastication.

I won’t have to suffer from sleep deprivation.

I won’t have to worry or fear

About just might what happen year after year?

You won’t grow up in a cruel world

Bullied by mean boys or nasty girls.

Life won’t make you jaded

And your innocence will never be faded.

I’ll never have to worry or care.

I’ll do what I want, when I want and where.

So what if I never get to hold you in my arms,

Snuggle you up and keep you warm?

So what if I never got to feel you kick, hear you laugh, or see your smiles?

I will never have to see you sick, hear you cry, or watch your trials.

I’ll never have to be disappointed by you

Or the foolish, silly, or stupid things you do.

I won’t get to see you succeed, but I’ll never have to see you run aground.

Life will be so much easier with you not around.

I won’t have to worry about money to buy you Christmas toys.

I won’t get to see your face alight with Christmas Joys.

You won’t have to struggle in any shape, form, or fashion.

But I will never get to see you learn, love, or be filled with passion.

You’ll never get to make me laugh, but you did make me cry.

And I will never, never, never understand just why you had to die.