Dealing...

I fear the worst nowadays.
there is nothing that can put me at ease.
Living life in a haze.
begging for more time, please!
This is all so wrong.
how do you deal?
I am not this strong.
This just cannot be real.


I am so scared right now for my father.  I don't know how to be strong for him.  I need to be right now.  Tomorrow I am going to see him and I just need to be strong for him.  I can't make this gnawing go away that is in the pit of my stomach..   This has been a ROUGH year.  First, we loose the baby. Our  little miracle. Gone in the blink of an eye.  And now I have to worry about losing my father too.  I can't handle it.  This is all too much.  I cannot even begin to imagine how scared my dad is.  Or how worried mom is.  I don't know how I would be if this was Johnny and I was dealing with the love of my life like this.
He's my daddy and I love him more than the world.  But she has to be hurting so much more.  I want to be strong for them.  I know I need to be.  But HOW?
I know other people have gone through this.  I am not the first.  But.... I don't understand how you deal with this.  My dad is YOUNG.  He's not some 90 year old who has live a full life.
He hasn't gotten to experience having a grand baby... and That rests on me too.  It's my fault.  I did something wrong and lost it.  She would have been here in less than a month had I done it right.  We would be getting ready for our bundle to arrive this Christmas.  I just don't know how to handle all of this emotion that is coming to me.
It eats at me.

It eats at me.


It is a constant nagging feeling... i think it might give me an ulcer.


what do i do?
what do i say?
how do I become the strong woman I need to be for them?