Life gets overwhelming....

I am sitting in the ER right now. Johnny has a kidney stone!  We were supposed to go pick up a new to us stove today at 9 but I don't think he'll be up to it. Our oven is broke. Every time I turn around it seems like something else is breaking!!!
This really couldn't be worse timing. This is the last month they are putting  me on clomid and this is my fertile day but I doubt Mr kidney stone is going to allow that to happen. The next step is iui.  We can't afford those procedures so............

An Update on Life:

An Update on Life:

I have gotten a new job and been here for a while now.  I am on my feet 8 hours a day and I am glad as all get out to have it.
I have been out of commission on my dancing for a few weeks due to a foot injury and I am just now getting back on track for that.  I am still being careful not to over do it.  But I have to get moving again.  I HAVE TO.
My weight loss is slow but its still there (kind of).  I am about 35lbs down from where I started... Maybe a little more now. I haven't weighed since going to the doc about 2 weeks ago.  then I was about 37lbs down.  But i always fluctuate between 1 and 2 lbs so I am just going to say 35lbs until I get closer to be 40lbs down. 
I am increasing my dancing again this week for the next 6 weeks.  I am going to be there almost everyday of the week (except Fridays... yep that will be my day off of dancing for now.)  I am feeling better in life and I am giving props to the ladies I dance with for this as well as the dancing itself.  They are the most supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of being grouped with.  I have to say I think that ad on facebook all that time ago for Sizemology was a blessing.  God was throwing exercise in my face with it.  And He was telling me it was going to be fun and easy to stick to.  (not always easy physically but fun enough to not give up). 

I never thought of myself as a good dancer.  I feel awkward sometimes but I really love it.  It has become one of the things i look forward to.  even if its been a hectic day at work, I always WANT to go.  Again, I feel that is partially credit for the lovely ladies that have become friends to me. 
I want to thank them for being so supportive.  For telling me when I am doing something right.  Or when I correct something I was doing wrong.  It  makes me feel good about myself for getting it right. 
Today, when I am so stressed about everything else in the world, this support group is always there to make me smile.  I feel a connection with them that I have not felt in a while. 
I have support at home with the hubs, who will do anything to make sure I get to do what I want when it comes to dance.  Making sure I have funds to keep doing so even if its a struggle, because he knows I need it to be a healthier, happier me. 
Its like physically good for me as well as a mental release in a lot of ways.  And I have to say that for a group of women, we get along so well.  the dynamic is perfect.  Most groups of women end up catty to one another.  So thanks, ladies for being so COOL. 

I am still trying to get some business for Wonderland Tutus and More... it is not taking off like I thought it would.  I gave up on etsy.... i never got any hits for any of our stuff.  I am relying on Facebook and my friends to spread word.  If I ever get money, i will splurg on advertising on Facebook.  I hope that happens one day so we can build our business.  I miss my bestie so much and she is amazing at making tutus.  so keep the word out for anyone needing gift ideas or anything on that front too. 

thanks for reading my babbling.  :)

11 month update.

o my glob.
it has been too long lovely friends.

I have so much going on right now.  I haven't been able to sit down and do any blogging.  Not that anyone missed it, except me of course :)
I have gone down a size in jeans.  and all of my pants are too big except the one pair i have bought since the change.  so that is the exciting news.

I feel like my journey is moving like molasses. I have been struggling with changing my life since november.  As of next month it will be a year.... I am 30 pounds and one pant size down.  That doesn't seem good enough to me so I am a bit disappointed in myself.

I have INSANITY to do.  I haven't gotten the courage to start it but I think I will tomorrow.  You are supposed to start on a monday so it would be a good time to start.

I have been really down since the miscarriage (did I blog about that??)  so i don't know that might be slowing me down.  The good news is I am officially allowed to start trying again now.  I go back to the dr. on the 10th of this month.

I have just started a new job.  I work front desk at Hampton Inn.  I get to be off by 3 every day i work but i am always exhausted.

I am still dancing.  I am learning so much.  And having so much fun.  I love all the ladies I dance with.  Most positive energies from them to keep me motivated.  There have been days when I have been absolutely exhausted and I pulled myself off the couch to go just because I wanted to see the girls that would be there.
Thanks ladies!

I dont have much to say.... I am a pretty boring girl but I thought it was time for an update....

This week has been hard....

I guess I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Nope, I never even posted about being pregnant in the first place.
Thursday was a bad bad day.  I had been going about every two weeks for ultrasounds and two weeks before there had been a heartbeat but the Dr. said there was a small problem because the baby was smaller than he/she should have been.  Mom reassured me that small babies ran in our family so i didn't think anything about it at the time.  What the Dr. never conveyed to me was that he was worried about my pregnancy.  He didn't say he thought I might lose it.  But two weeks later we go back and I am empty.... just started bleeding when I got there and he looked and there was no baby anymore.
I saw the heartbeat..... what happened?
There is no reason he can give me for it but he acted like 2 weeks ago he KNEW it was going to happen.  Jerk!  you never said that just that my baby was small.
So I broke down for about 2 days- I cried.  And I felt like I had done something wrong.  It had to be my fault. And this HURTS.  having a miscarriage HURTS.  Not just emotionally.  I don't know.......
I feel a little lost.
I feel really hurt.
I feel like I don't know what to do next.
Johnny wants to try again of course.  we already discussed it.  And so do i, but I am more scared now that this has happened.  More scared that when i didn't think I could have kids at all.... because what if this happens again?  Can I handle it?  I know deep down I can.  Now that i have had time to calm down I know its not the end of the world.
I just don't get how there could be a heart beat then... nothing.
I don't know.......

How do I get a miracle?

I started going to a fertility dr. in March.  I have been actively taking meds to help me with all this junk going on in my body.  I got a hair cut, too.  I am trying to make things work.  I have had some ups and downs in this journey (which is no where near over) already and I am exhausted by it.  I am completely over not seeing anymore progress in my weight loss.  I posted something earlier today on here that basically shows I am not crazy.  Doctors just don't believe a fat person when they say they are trying to lose weight unless they see massive weight loss.  I promise, I know I am not perfect but I am trying.  Johnny and I found a lovely walking trail and it is perfect outside this time of year for walking.  
I still do my dance and will be picking up more of that now that I am on this new schedule at work.  I will be late but I will still show up to all the extra classes I can take.  I eat veggie burgers now when I can to replace the burger I really want.   But mostly I eat grilled chicken.  I try not to eat fries anymore but sometimes I cheat.... I am only human. 
I have given up soda... but I allow myself one about once a week if I happen to crave one.  Some times a girl just needs an ice cold coca cola.  But I have bottled water most of the time.  99% of the time to be accurate.  
I pass on deserts and try not to snack late when I get the munchies... sometimes I let it slip, but most of the time I am good a keeping myself good.  I had a Reese Egg on easter.... but just one... not anymore than that like i would have done before.  
I am so over this standstill I am in though.  People Jump to the conclusion that I am not active when I complain... like i said, no one believes a fat girl.  
I look at pictures of me that include my body and I see something very disgusting.  I really have an amazingly pretty face so no complaints there, but I HATE my body.  And I don't HATE much.  If there was some way I could go back in time to when I started puberty and tell them to start me on PCOS meds then when the trouble started for me, maybe I wouldn't be here in this world of hating my body.  I didn't hate my body when I was a size 16/18.  Most people do, but I was content.  I thought mom was crazy when she talked to me about losing weight.  WHY?  I carried it well.  And now I would GIVE MY RIGHT ARM (the one I crochet with) to be that size again.  If I could just lose even 2 dress sizes (not my goal but pretty good) I would be happier in life.  I just feel like a whale.  
Today is a bad day for my mood.  I am upset because I can't get anywhere.  18lbs down since November.  That is it... in almost 6 months!!!!  And nothing in the past 2 months.... not a single lb.  I should think "at least I haven't GAINED"  but that isn't GOOD ENOUGH at this point.  I am not happy.  
TELL ME WHAT TO DO WORLD!  TELL ME HOW TO GET A MIRACLE! 

What I came across today.... and I felt Like I needed to share.

Psychologically, PCOS is a brutal condition. 

In its most severe form, a woman is stripped of nearly everything that society sees as womanly, a "theft of womanhood," as some sources call it. She probably is very fat, balding, has a mustache or other facial hair, has acne and body tags, doesn't cycle regularly, and has difficulty having children. She is seen as sexually unattractive, epitomizes the image of the "ugly" woman in our society, and is the object of many jokes and much derision in the media. Is it any wonder some women find this condition incredibly demoralizing?

Adding into this is the lack of understanding around PCOS as a condition. Even when you have an official diagnosis, some friends and family consider it a dubious finding. In their view, you're just looking for an excuse for being fat, crying about how your "bad metabolism" causes your obesity, instead of taking responsibility for your supposedly poor eating. They roll their eyes or accuse you of closet binge-eating instead.
Doctors often don't believe you if you tell them you eat normally either, thinking you must be in denial about your eating, or that you are too uneducated about "proper" nutrition to really understand how to eat healthy. Furthermore, the shopping cart and food intake of a woman with PCOS are under continuous scrutiny and criticism, adding constant stress to daily life. The "obese" woman with PCOS always feels on the defensive about her food or exercise habits.

This disbelief about their experiences and the burden of constant surveillance often takes a considerable toll on PCOS women's self-esteem. And for those who truly do struggle with eating disorders after years of dieting, the shame around dealing with that on top of PCOS can be overwhelming.


Because of its implications for long-term health, PCOS deserves to be taken seriously, regardless of the patient's age or whether or not they want children. It needs to be seen as a life-long condition, not just a concern tied to pregnancy.

Feeling a bit down in the dumps as it were.

I am so ANGRY and SAD all at the same time.
For the past 2 weeks my stomach has been hurting almost every time I eat ANYTHING. So I go to the dr today to see about getting myself fixed up.  Instead I get a lecture on how I wouldn't feel like this if I just lost weight.  Excuse me... do skinny people not get sick?  I missed that memo.  
so I took it out on facebook: "warning: the following will be a rant....
I am so over this crap! The worst thing about being fat isn't actually being fat its the fact that no doctor will help you when you are fat. They just want to tell you that miracles will happen and angels will sing and pigs will fly if all you will do is lose weigh!!!! DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE TRIED/AM TRYING TO DO SO!? Hi, I don't know if you have taken a look at my MEDICAL RECORDS since you are my FREAKING doctor and all but having the thyroid disorder and PCOS.... doesn't help weight loss. If i could do it by cutting calories and exercising, I should be a freaking MODEL by now. I am DOING this. I even said UPFRONT that I am doing these things but my appointment becomes a LECTURE on how I need to lose weight. YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! Next time I will save my money and my time and just starve myself for a week. All I went in there for was because my stomach has been hurting and I have been throwing up on and off for 2 weeks. I guess if I lost weight that wouldn't happen to me either. APPARENTLY skinny people NEVER GET SICK."

Now I am taking it out here too.  

I am so over having to defend myself to a dr.  You know what? This is why i quit going in the first place, instead of LISTENING to me, they just want to hear themselves speak.  I tried to tell her why i was not taking medicine for my PCOS.  Because Metformin makes me sick.  I am not diabetic and it makes my sugars drop and I get sick.  Her response... "It isnt just for diabetes. It is to keep you from being insulin resistant so you can ovulate."  I KNOW THAT.  I RESEARCH when I am told something is wrong with me. I want to KNOW everything I can so I can battle it with knowledge in my arsenal.  But I am apparently stupid.  I said "I know but it makes me sick.  Apparently no one cares though."  Snippy little remark.  

I know being snippy isn't helping.  Does anyone know a doctor who actually cares about their patients and not just about the $$$$ they are going to make from my visit?  I would love to go to a dr. like that.  I am still waiting on a referrall to go to an endocrinologist.  But for now I am on the search for a good gyno that will maybe LISTEN to me and help me get what I NEED and what I WANT.  I am not getting any younger.  I would love to have kids before I am 40.