This week has been hard....

I guess I haven't blogged in quite a while.  Nope, I never even posted about being pregnant in the first place.
Thursday was a bad bad day.  I had been going about every two weeks for ultrasounds and two weeks before there had been a heartbeat but the Dr. said there was a small problem because the baby was smaller than he/she should have been.  Mom reassured me that small babies ran in our family so i didn't think anything about it at the time.  What the Dr. never conveyed to me was that he was worried about my pregnancy.  He didn't say he thought I might lose it.  But two weeks later we go back and I am empty.... just started bleeding when I got there and he looked and there was no baby anymore.
I saw the heartbeat..... what happened?
There is no reason he can give me for it but he acted like 2 weeks ago he KNEW it was going to happen.  Jerk!  you never said that just that my baby was small.
So I broke down for about 2 days- I cried.  And I felt like I had done something wrong.  It had to be my fault. And this HURTS.  having a miscarriage HURTS.  Not just emotionally.  I don't know.......
I feel a little lost.
I feel really hurt.
I feel like I don't know what to do next.
Johnny wants to try again of course.  we already discussed it.  And so do i, but I am more scared now that this has happened.  More scared that when i didn't think I could have kids at all.... because what if this happens again?  Can I handle it?  I know deep down I can.  Now that i have had time to calm down I know its not the end of the world.
I just don't get how there could be a heart beat then... nothing.
I don't know.......