Feeling a bit down in the dumps as it were.

I am so ANGRY and SAD all at the same time.
For the past 2 weeks my stomach has been hurting almost every time I eat ANYTHING. So I go to the dr today to see about getting myself fixed up.  Instead I get a lecture on how I wouldn't feel like this if I just lost weight.  Excuse me... do skinny people not get sick?  I missed that memo.  
so I took it out on facebook: "warning: the following will be a rant....
I am so over this crap! The worst thing about being fat isn't actually being fat its the fact that no doctor will help you when you are fat. They just want to tell you that miracles will happen and angels will sing and pigs will fly if all you will do is lose weigh!!!! DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE TRIED/AM TRYING TO DO SO!? Hi, I don't know if you have taken a look at my MEDICAL RECORDS since you are my FREAKING doctor and all but having the thyroid disorder and PCOS.... doesn't help weight loss. If i could do it by cutting calories and exercising, I should be a freaking MODEL by now. I am DOING this. I even said UPFRONT that I am doing these things but my appointment becomes a LECTURE on how I need to lose weight. YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! Next time I will save my money and my time and just starve myself for a week. All I went in there for was because my stomach has been hurting and I have been throwing up on and off for 2 weeks. I guess if I lost weight that wouldn't happen to me either. APPARENTLY skinny people NEVER GET SICK."

Now I am taking it out here too.  

I am so over having to defend myself to a dr.  You know what? This is why i quit going in the first place, instead of LISTENING to me, they just want to hear themselves speak.  I tried to tell her why i was not taking medicine for my PCOS.  Because Metformin makes me sick.  I am not diabetic and it makes my sugars drop and I get sick.  Her response... "It isnt just for diabetes. It is to keep you from being insulin resistant so you can ovulate."  I KNOW THAT.  I RESEARCH when I am told something is wrong with me. I want to KNOW everything I can so I can battle it with knowledge in my arsenal.  But I am apparently stupid.  I said "I know but it makes me sick.  Apparently no one cares though."  Snippy little remark.  

I know being snippy isn't helping.  Does anyone know a doctor who actually cares about their patients and not just about the $$$$ they are going to make from my visit?  I would love to go to a dr. like that.  I am still waiting on a referrall to go to an endocrinologist.  But for now I am on the search for a good gyno that will maybe LISTEN to me and help me get what I NEED and what I WANT.  I am not getting any younger.  I would love to have kids before I am 40. 

Hiccups and bumps in the road... Discouraged.

I am so frustrated I can't even describe it.  Nothing I do is working so I have just gotten so frustrated!
Things I am changing now to try and kick start my diet again......
1. No More SODA!  That will be HARD because I usually have one with dinner.  And I drink them ALOT on weekends.  I am good about water on weekdays while at work but now I am going to have to take that into  my weekends and evenings too.  I know these empty calories (when I drink a fully loaded soda) are no good.  And I usually drink DIET at home and all but they still aren't healthy so I know I need to just let them go.
2. I gave up slim fast.  I was STARVING all the time and MISERABLE.  You cannot succeed in a cycle like that.  I have instead replaced it with foods in the same range of caloric intake.  I feel better because I am actually eating.  I know it is a mental thing.  But I have found some awesome recipes for 200 calorie foods at doctoroz.com.
3.  I am going to start walking.  I have promised my dog I will walk her for a long time every night.  I cannot break  my promises :)  Plus I can drag Johnny with me.
4.  I am trying to get in with and Endocrinologist that specializes in PCOS AND Thyroid disorders.  That way I can battle these from a different angle.  Obviously the Gynos were not working. I have not been feeling well lately.  I have been feeling worn out and just bad.  I need these things fixed so I can feel normal.  If I can't feel normal then I cannot begin to be healthier.

And that is the purpose of this.  I need to be HEALTHY.  I am tired of feeling tired... sick of being sick.  I am disgusted at how bad I feel all the time and I am TIRED of it.  I am going to make changes in my life.  Whatever I have to do to FEEL WELL.  And I will not be perfect.  I will mess up.  I am Counting this as a FRESH fresh start.   I have gone down the wrong path and Now I have to start over from the beginning.  so i can find the right path for ME.  Not what works for others... but what will work for me.

I have been eating these (for lack of a better way to describe them) adult lunchables.  They have whole wheat crackers with cream cheese spread (the fancy ones that taste like garden veggies and all) and then turkey or chicken.  They even come with a mini toblerone.  They have 270 calories in them.  And they are filling.
I have kept my 90 calorie apples and fruit dip snacks, but I dropped the carrots and ranch.  I was over them... and they had regular ranch in them... not light... so i thought it would be counterproductive to continue eating fattening ranch.
For now that is all... thanks for making it through my mindless rambles lol.

FRUSTRATIONS

I have been thinking about my health a lot tonight.  I am so over this trying to lose weight thing right now... I am telling you I am on this HUMP that I cannot get over.  I will lose a lb then gain 2 then lose 3 then gain 4 then lose 3 then gain 2 and on and on... I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really over it all.
I have been looking up PCOS art on deviantart.com.  And it makes me feel a little better because I know I am not alone.  There are others out there hurting.   People don't take it seriously.  They just want to think I am fine.  And it isn't killing me so I can put a smile on my face and pretend it isn't there for awhile then it hits me again.  I haven't had a period in like 8 months.  I can't lose weight no matter how many calories I cut, how many meals are replaced with slim fast, or how many diet pills I take.
I can't take the meds they wanted me to because they kept me sick.  I don;t know what to do!!  and Drs. do NOT listen.  NONE of them.  The last time I was at the dr. i threw in the fact that it had (at that time) been six months since I had a period... his reaction "Hmm."  then moved on.
I am stressed out and frustrated.  and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE>
I just want to scream and cry and curl in a ball.  I just needed to vent.  No one has to read this... I am not posting this one on FB for the world to see.   I just needed to get it out...

just another update

total weight lost 17 pounds. back at classes and loving it. got to dance for 2 hours last night. slim fast is still killing me. I thought it would get easier but I still want to eat and I'm starving by dinner. I even a quote unquote cheat by eating carrot sticks and apple slices. it's kind of a downer when I'm doing so good to be so frustrated with what I'm trying to do. 17 pounds down and I'd like to get about 70 more. short term goal will be 15 more pounds. I'd like to do that by april. wish me luck! I am trying to get more active and I'm trying to eat better and I'm try to make johnny do it with me. eating at home or instead of eating out is something we both need in our lives. and wants this weather is better and not rainy all the time it seems... I will want to start walking again. maybe I can start tonight. whatever I can do to make us more active. johnny and I both need a good swift kick to get us started. also I need to make a stop at my doctor's office. I haven't been for a checkup in so long because of not having money. but I seriously need to follow up on my thyroid issue as well as the pcos. both of those diseases are working against me when I'm trying to lose weight. right now I'm kicking their butts but any day they could take over. I just need to go to the doctor and get healthy.

that's it for this quick update and I will update everyone soon again.

Hungry Girl.

I have been on slim fast all week and it is not easy!!!  I think it will get easier.. but oh my gosh!

Back on track...

So tonight back to class i went. So much fun! I missed it. Hopefully i won't have to quit again. I finally had something that was fun and it was EXERCISE. Wow. I love dancing. And i feel so good after it.
Monday i start slim fast. I have to do something to get this weight off.
Johnny and i also made the decision to make sure we each take a daily multi vitamin too. It is time we get healthy and happy together. We also want to get spirituAlly healthy again so we are going to be going back to church again.
2012 will be a good year!

An update....

So I have been more active lately, mostly due to the fact that I am working a second job.  I have lost right under 15lbs and I am feeling good.  Now, I got on the scale this morning and I seem to maybe have hit a wall.  I am getting less hours at my second job now that the holidays are over so I am only working 3 days instead of 5.  I am exhausted from working the jobs but I am Excited about getting on with my healthier way.  I have been eating at home more, too.  I made homemade chili this week.... A TON of it.  My birthday week was a different story.  I ate out WAY too much.  I think that might be why i hit my wall.
I have been eating rice cake snacks too.  Now that Johnny and I are both getting paychecks I am going to start getting some cherry tomatoes and carrot sticks with fat free ranch in the fridge. MMMMMM.  Some of my favorite go to snacks while I was on weight watchers the  first time.
I am also thinking that i might go to a weight loss clinic.  I still have to think to about that because that would be a lot of money monthly.  But it would all be worth it in the end.
well, I got some things to do today.  :)  Til next time.