I have lost one more pound since the last update... HA! at least I'm not gaining.
I have been so busy lately. And stressed.
I have this weekend off to go with my mom and Johnny to KY to see my niece graduate high school... Starting to feel a little old now... and then back to hectic life. I like being busy but i need a vacation. Away from home and away someplace nice. ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO THAT FOR FREEEEEEE? lol.
still trying to dance my buns off... well... i am focusing more on the tummy region. I kind of like my butt now. :) its nice. Dancing has made it perkier. :) :) :)
OK so I don't update on the regular cause I am so boring.
I am still on break from the fertility thing. I just can't handle it right now. And I know I am not getting any younger. Maybe I just don't think medical people are going to help me. Only the Grace of God will. And I just can't focus on it right now. I just want to live. and being miserable all the time is no way to live. worrying about when I am supposed to have sex and worrying about how I am supposed to lay or what i have to do... what i can and cannot eat.... what is wrong or right just to TRY and conceive so i MIGHT carry a baby to term... its not living.
And maybe its selfish of me to think that way but it was eating at me. I was becoming and b-i-t-c-h. and I don't want to BE that. I hated me like that. so breaking.... and maybe broke. we will see....
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Making decisions.
I officially told my Fertility docs yesterday that I am taking a break. I have not had time in my life to cope with what has happen this past year and I need that. I am going to look into getting myself happy and healthy again and look into dealing with some of johnny's issues that don't help with all the fertility stuff for a while then we can try again. Then I can ask about ovarian drilling, because if it will help me be healthier I want that. I want what help I can get. I am not losing weight like I should be. At this point i should have doubled the weight I have lost. If I were a normal person I would be so much better off. I would be at least 100lbs down if i were normal. It has taken me 2 years to lose 50 lbs. it is ridiculous I dance all the time. I am active. I watch what i eat. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to. I have been without sodas on and off... I have to have one every once in a while. I haven't had one in over 38 days now though. I will have one on Easter as a celebration of making it trough lent without one but then back off again. I have increased my water intake. I eat breakfast now (that was a big thing for me. I used to NEVER eat until like lunch) I just don't know what else to do.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Doing research today...
I came across this today in my journey to discover what i can do for myself. I am going to go into my next dr. appointment with what I want to do next. Not what they want to do. I am done listening to them. I wanted to share this because almost everyone of these touched on my heart. This is how I feel. Maybe you think it is wrong and if you do that is fine but don't say that to me because I think its right and it is my life and my pain I am dealing with.
This was written by a lady who had just lost her baby. Even if you only find one of the sentences that describes how you are feeling; then let it show that you are not alone.
1. DO understand that losing a baby changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a woman with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations and values.
2. DO not be afraid to speak to me about my loss and to ask questions or just let me talk about my baby when I feel it is going to help.
3. IF I cry or get emotional when I talk about my baby, I wish you knew that is isn’t because you hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you, the crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
4. DO not pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life.
5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. Do not think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have had a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling!
6. DO know that all of the “extreme” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and lack of self-confidence are to be expected during and following what is happening.
7. Do understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, want to surround myself with loved ones or be alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
8. IF I get withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Do not try to compel me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon. How do you know?
9. DO understand that it is normal that I may re-examine my faith, values and beliefs throughout this journey. I will recall things I have been taught all of my life, and hopefully come to some new and better understandings to include those with God.
10. IF we hear of friends and family that are p[regnant, do understand that I am truly happy for their blessing and my sadness or perhaps distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of my grief for my own baby.
11. DO not avoid me or stop calling because you don’t know what to say or you are waiting for me to call you. Show me that you care and that I can lean on you.
12. DO not tire of my constant mood swings. I know it’s hard for you to be strong all the time for me, I am trying to protect you too but I can’t control my feelings every minute of the day.
13. DO not treat me as though I am not a ‘mother’. Not having a child in my arms does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love. I have experienced the intensity of maternal love and it has changed me.
14. DO not expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have another child. With the search to add to my family I will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. I will also never forget the pain of losing this much wanted child.
15. DO pray for me to have the strength and patience and pray that I come out of this a stronger and more loving and compassionate person.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ovarian drilling, done during laparoscopy, is a procedure in which a laser fibre or electrosurgical needle punctures the ovary 4 to 10 times. This treatment results in a dramatic lowering of male hormones within days and is often performed in women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Studies have shown that up to 80 percent of patients will benefit from such treatment. Many women who fail to ovulate with clomiphene or Metformin therapy will respond when these medications are reintroduced to the system after ovarian drilling. Side effects are rare, but may result in adhesion formation or ovarian failure if there are complications during the procedure.
This was written by a lady who had just lost her baby. Even if you only find one of the sentences that describes how you are feeling; then let it show that you are not alone.
1. DO understand that losing a baby changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a woman with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations and values.
2. DO not be afraid to speak to me about my loss and to ask questions or just let me talk about my baby when I feel it is going to help.
3. IF I cry or get emotional when I talk about my baby, I wish you knew that is isn’t because you hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you, the crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
4. DO not pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life.
5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. Do not think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have had a bad day, I need psychiatric counselling!
6. DO know that all of the “extreme” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and lack of self-confidence are to be expected during and following what is happening.
7. Do understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, want to surround myself with loved ones or be alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
8. IF I get withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Do not try to compel me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon. How do you know?
9. DO understand that it is normal that I may re-examine my faith, values and beliefs throughout this journey. I will recall things I have been taught all of my life, and hopefully come to some new and better understandings to include those with God.
10. IF we hear of friends and family that are p[regnant, do understand that I am truly happy for their blessing and my sadness or perhaps distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of my grief for my own baby.
11. DO not avoid me or stop calling because you don’t know what to say or you are waiting for me to call you. Show me that you care and that I can lean on you.
12. DO not tire of my constant mood swings. I know it’s hard for you to be strong all the time for me, I am trying to protect you too but I can’t control my feelings every minute of the day.
13. DO not treat me as though I am not a ‘mother’. Not having a child in my arms does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love. I have experienced the intensity of maternal love and it has changed me.
14. DO not expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have another child. With the search to add to my family I will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. I will also never forget the pain of losing this much wanted child.
15. DO pray for me to have the strength and patience and pray that I come out of this a stronger and more loving and compassionate person.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is what I will be inquiring about at my next appt. This is the step I WANT TO TAKE!
Ovarian Drilling
Ovarian drilling, done during laparoscopy, is a procedure in which a laser fibre or electrosurgical needle punctures the ovary 4 to 10 times. This treatment results in a dramatic lowering of male hormones within days and is often performed in women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Studies have shown that up to 80 percent of patients will benefit from such treatment. Many women who fail to ovulate with clomiphene or Metformin therapy will respond when these medications are reintroduced to the system after ovarian drilling. Side effects are rare, but may result in adhesion formation or ovarian failure if there are complications during the procedure.
Can you handle the VIDEO? I watched several.... this one is not so bad.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A rough week.
I have been waiting to start my period. I am 12 days late and negative on pt. I have been back in full dance mode since I got to go back to day shift this week. I am so sore. Glad to be but I am s.o.r.e. I've also be having little spouts of sadness just randomly strike me . I kind of just want a reset button to hit.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Its one of them thangs that a girl goes through.
We have decided to use income tax return money to get an iui done. I will probably be spending most of time the next little while trying to do some research. Anyone been through it? I want to know success rate. I am nervous it won't work. It's a lot of money but not near as much as ivf which is upwards of 10000 dollars a try.. I try to have faith but it is so hard some times. It seems like no matter how hard I try nothing happens like it should.
Monday, February 4, 2013
So many things have changed...
Life is not the same as it was just months ago. I am so stressed and I don't know what to do anymore. I just need to talk it all out and this is my venting method of choice. No one has to read this so if you aren't really interested, I warn you to stop here.
Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick. Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time. I worry about my mom all the time too. She is alone now.
I want to give up on having a baby. I just don't know if i could handle it again. I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed. I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me. Will I always carry this hurt? Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?
my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here. I know people just expect me to be ok and move on. Maybe I should be. Maybe i should just be fine now. But i'm not. And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this. I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away. Maybe that would have helped if it had happened. But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild. Maybe it was for the best.
my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does. I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on. There is something wrong with me. It would take a miracle. And I just don't think I believe in those anymore. I used to. How else could I have found the perfect man for me?
It was luck? Maybe. Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine. Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am. I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me. I just feel abused and broken now. I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again. I just don't know what my heart can take.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible. and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again. Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much. Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again Then I stop myself.
Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be. Maybe God knows better than I do. maybe I'd be a shitty mom. I think I would be good. I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life. I have nothing to show for anything. I have accomplished NOTHING. I work a barely above minimum wage job. I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own. I live in a tiny, messy house. I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level. and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.
I can't do it anymore. I can't put my heart on the line. I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time. I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.
I just hurt too much.
Life over this past year has been full of ups and downs. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. Then my dad got sick and was gone before I could even grasp the concept that he was sick. Johnny has been out of work and is so stressed and depressed I worry about him all the time. I worry about my mom all the time too. She is alone now.
I want to give up on having a baby. I just don't know if i could handle it again. I tried to do it with a smile on my face but it wasn't what i needed. I need to grieve still.. today. Its an ache in my heart, in my soul, the very essence of me and I don't know how to make it depart from me. Will I always carry this hurt? Even if i had a child, would i just grieve the one I lost when i look at him/her?
my heart was ripped open not once but twice last year with the loss of two of the most precious things in my life and I just don't know where to go from here. I know people just expect me to be ok and move on. Maybe I should be. Maybe i should just be fine now. But i'm not. And maybe it is something wrong with me that I am still hurting from this. I wanted to just move on and get pregnant again right away. Maybe that would have helped if it had happened. But then i know my daddy would have hurt more knowing he was leaving behind his unborn grandchild. Maybe it was for the best.
my mom wants a grandbaby. I know she does. I am her only hope... and its a slim percentage to land your hope on. There is something wrong with me. It would take a miracle. And I just don't think I believe in those anymore. I used to. How else could I have found the perfect man for me?
It was luck? Maybe. Or maybe you get one miracle in your life and I used mine. Or maybe I only deserved one (and no more) because of who I am and what I am. I can definitely list a long list of faults. I guess it's just me. I just feel abused and broken now. I don't know if i can take it if i get pregnant and lose it again. I just don't know what my heart can take.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... (and kelly clarkson sings it)... but I don't feel stronger... I feel weak and horrible. and I just don't know if i can handle it if it happens again. Or worse.... it could be exponentially worse... still birth, death after being born, losing the child anytime in my lifetime... it would just be too much. Life is too short to worry about these things, I know... but I can't stop myself from thinking about them every time i think i want to try again Then I stop myself.
Maybe I am just not ready... and maybe I never will be. Maybe God knows better than I do. maybe I'd be a shitty mom. I think I would be good. I would love my child... but maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
How can I be a role model in any way when I am where I am in my life. I have nothing to show for anything. I have accomplished NOTHING. I work a barely above minimum wage job. I have no vehicle to my name... Johnny's truck is his own. I live in a tiny, messy house. I can't even get a job in chemistry... not even entry level. and it has been 6 years since my graduation. No one wants someone who has been out of school that long and not done anything with their degree.
I can't do it anymore. I can't put my heart on the line. I can't hold my breath waiting on the stick to just be negative again next time. I don't know... maybe I don't deserve it just because I am willing to give up.
I just hurt too much.
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