Real women...

Real women have curves....
Real women are straight as a board...
Real women are fit...
Real women are fat...
Real women are fluffy...
Real women are short...
Real women are tall...
Real women are big....
Real women are small....
Real women have big boobs....
Real women have A cups.....
Real women are tan...
Real women are pale....
Real women are blond...
Real women are brunette...
Real women are red headed....
Real women are young....
Real women are old...
Real women are insecure....
Real women are confident...
Real women are sexual....
Real women are prudes....
Real women wear dresses...
Real women wear jeans....
Real women wear sweats....
Real women are mothers....
Real women are childless.....
Real women are wives....
Real women are single....
Real women are perfect....
Real women are imperfect....
Real women are gorgeous....
Real women are pretty....
Real women are everywhere....

All women are REAL.  No one should be shamed about their bodies.... fat or thin, tall or short.  It is so tiresome living in a world that only sees one kind of woman as beautiful.  They are in their rights beautiful.... BUT SO IS EVERY WOMAN.
I am trying hard in my life to HEALTHY.  I don't want to lose weight to be skinny... because this body isn't made for skinny.  But it is my body.  And i will not let someone make me thing I am WRONG.  God made me the way I am.  As long as I am happy and healthy that is all that should matter... and that goes FOR EVERYONE.

Getting back on the horse.... so to speak

I did a short work out yesterday after work.  Wish I could have done longer but the day had been so hectic at work that I was already exhausted before I got on the treadmill.  But I did a fast pace walk/jog warm up and cool down type of thing for 20 minutes.  I just keep telling myself it is better than nothing.  I have got to get back in the swing of things and lose this weight, yall.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it hits me out of no where...
this empty feeling in my gut.
today has been one of those days.
and I feel like a nut.

A simple question from a stranger
it put me on the edge.
Can't blame her well meaning banter
but the feelings it did dredge.

A picture of a happy mom
or a new born baby
has me soul aching, screaming
was it something I did, maybe?

I know sometimes its not meant to be.
And someone has to have this pain.
And I'd like to say I can be the person
that's strong enough to handle this bane.

But I don't feel strong.
I feel very weak.
I don't even know if I want to try anymore.
For comfort, I should not seek.

There is nothing in this world
that I would hold more dear.
But now I hold nothing more
than sadness... and fear.

not moving.....

I am so lethargic lately.
I need to move again.
It has been months since I have been dancing.  I just haven't had the Money to start back up.  And it sucks.
This week I am planning on working out at the gym at work and starting to get back in the game that way for awhile.  I am stagnant.  Not gaining... but certainly not losing any weight and that is no good.
I am going to try and go on birth control again.  My health is important to me and I am just not feeling healthy off of them.  I used to feel better when I was on them because my hormones are crazy imbalanced and I think they helped. So that is it for my quick update... follow my nerd blog http://mandaisgeekingout.blogspot.com/.

see ya.

An update... Moved to post about my Ink.

Facebook post:  I saw this as I was scrolling and stopped to look at it.... then I started thinking... I have tattoos but I don't think they are wrong so i wanted to do some research... I came across this article.http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/tattoochristian.htm and I think it makes sense. I didn't get mine in a pagan ritual. I didn't get them to celebrate another (little g)god. Mine celebrate me... what God has made me. and my family and what God blessed me with in them. My ink represents my happiness, my struggles, and other aspects of a life I living with God as my 1 and only. No one else has to agree... I just wanted to get that out there.

I wanted to go further in detail but not bore those who are scrolling down the land of FB.  

I have several tattoos.  6 to be exact. I have never sat down and explained them all to anyone because I know what they mean to me but I am in the mood to reveal just what they mean to me... what I want in my future and why... that kind of thing.

1.  On my front right shoulder... I have this.... 

(pre weight loss pic)

It ended with the heart made by the bass and treble clefs filled in with some red.... but this represents my love for music. Music is a great part of my life.  I sang in a Choir through out college.  I was in chorus in high school and below.  My mom sang when I was young while she was cleaning... hymns, radio songs, whatever...and she didn't care if you thought she could carry a tune in a bucket or not because she liked to sing.  She is the reason I love music so much.  And music has played a large part in my Christian life.  The feelings I get when I am singing praise means more to me personally than a long sermon and can hold more power than just a spoken story... to me... and that is not true for everyone... but music moves me.

2.  Clover on my wrist: 4 leaf variety.  This is the American version of an Irish tradition.  Shamrocks are 3-leafed and stand for the trinity.  I am the American version of my Irish heritage.  But this also reminds me of my BFF as she has the same one and we got them together.  The Lord has blessed me with a GREAT Friend who I would do anything in the world for and she would for me too.  And I get to be Aunty to her amazing kids.  

3.  My Cherries on my foot.

Cherries are a symbol of fertility and the PCOS awareness ribbon is teal.  I pray to God everyday that we are able to be parents one day but this is a symbol for me of our struggle with a disease that prevents something we really want in life.  If God sees fit to make us a mom and dad one day, and I get frustrated at my kid I will be able to see this and think... remember how blessed you are to be a mom.  And maybe it will help calm me down.  

4. Fiorghra is the Irish word for TRUE LOVE is on my right forearm.  This to me means many things.  People often assume it is because I am in love and married.  And it is partially about that.  Because I have found my true love in the world where many times that can seem impossible.  I have found the guy God made for me. But to me real True love is the kind you have with God.  and that is a constant reminder that no matter how down I feel... I have true love in my life. 

5. My Sparrow on my inner right ankle- birds represent overcoming struggle or moving on. I feel like God is my Sparrow, the one I can count on to help me overcome the obstacles in my life or the one who can uplift me when I am at my lowest. 

6.  The Harry Potter quoted on my left shoulder blade.  This is for my daddy.  he is in Heaven now but I keep him close to me and he is in my heart always.  God had blessed me with the best daddy in the world.  And the best mom... I am truly a blessed lady.  

My Ink is my life... its a reminder of me being as blessed as I am.  So even if I am wrong... even if no one agrees with me... i don't think God is going to keep me from heaven because I have tattoos..... because they are not for hateful reasons, or pagan reasons.... That is just how I feel. 

Life in Slo Mo: Dealing with the FEELS

I am stuck in this place that I am not happy about.  I have had so much happen over the past year that I am just not able to process it all.  A year ago life began to move on this path that I would have never thought would happen.
It all started with the miscarriage.  If I were to count the past year johnny and I have been trying to conceive for about 6  years. It wasn't something I really made known to the world until about 2 years in when I really began to worry.  We hadn't even had any "Woopsies"  which is what I call when you think you're pregnant and it isn't in your plan.  So really my slow and steady fall into this insanity might have started then... but ramped up with the past year.
When you are TTC and you are charting BBT and watching closely to see when you produce mucus.  ( this all becomes part of everyday life of infertility... you begin to not GRIMACE at the word Mucus.) You also learn TTC and BBT and BFP and BFN and TWW are all common lingo.  I have apps on my phone that track my cycle and EVERYTHING.
Well, when this has become the everyday and you get a miracle like finding out you are actually pregnant... it is the BEST feeling in the world.  I was stressed because I was out of work and worried about affording a crib and stuff, But I knew we would find a way to make it work because God was finally blessing us with a bundle of joy and I couldn't quit smiling.
For three months I kept that smile.  Every Ultrasound (which you get a lot when you have PCOS apparently) was just a glimpse into this amazing life you are creating and it kept building my hopes.
Mom went with me to one that Johnny had to work during and it was the 3 month one.  And that is when I found out that the baby was no more.  I actually started bleeding just before my appointment while waiting to be called back.  That was the worst.
To this day, I don't know if it would be less painful never to have been given the hope at all... just never even had that three month period in my life where I thought I might actually achieve my lifelong dream to become a mother.
Well, nothing I can do about that now.......

Then dealing with the death of my father.  I just don't know.... I still feel like he's just gone on vacation or something and one day I will wake up and he will be home.   I miss him every day.  And I hate hate hate hate hate hate seeing my mom so sad.  That was so awful..... just being diagnosed then gone in a matter of days.  DAYS.  not weeks not months not years... DAYS.
I had closure.... I got to be there with him as he left us.  I got to hold his hand and say goodbye.  And I am thankful for that.  A lot of people do not get that chance... but it still rips my heart out.

Life just is never what you think it is going to be.  I thought being married to Johnny was never going to be this hard.  We are dealing with some stuff.... only out of respect for him since this blog is about me... I will not put up details... people close to me know more about what is going on.  I love him, he loves me... and we just need time and help to work out all the other stuff.

All of this on top of Johnny being in and out of work (which is not his fault its this stupid economy.  He hasn't ever been FIRED.  Always laid off due to lack of work, etc)  its just a lot for one person to take.  Car troubles, hospital visits, and general life stress don't help.

I just don't know what to do anymore... but I do know that I am going to go see someone.  I am going to get help.  I have decided that maybe I am just too human to handle this alone.  I am not a superhero and I cannot make this journey I am on alone anymore.  I want to just crawl under a rock and give up and that is not healthy.  I have to do something to get over these humps once and for all.. If that makes me weak, then I guess I am.  I just cannot do this like this anymore.  I need help. and I am going to get some.

Burning Thighs...

my legs are just now returning to normalness today.  They are still sore but at least I can lift them to walk on stairs... its insane how sore they got. I could barely move.  With me, Insanity is mixing with my already in progress activities... so tonight is no insanity and I will be doing ZUMBA and hours of Follies practice.  And let me tell you... Zumba kicks my butt like insanity but I can't just break when I want cause there are people there with me... HA!

I think I might do this.  I need to make sure I do it the best of my abilities, and right now that isn't as good as I would like.  I am really getting winded and sore... but I guess if I wasn't, I wouldn't be doing it right :)... that is all for this update... more later.